Tag Archives: love

A few stories to add!

I’m nervous Tomorrow I go back to work, but today I found doing things difficult. I woke up at 6 or so on the couch. I feel a connection there since I held Robin the day before. I also find it easier to have her collar near me. I’m sure these things will pass, but for now it helps me. I just now took out the trash something I’ve been meaning to do all day, but that was something Robin would walk out stand at the gate and watch me roll the can to the end of the drive. When I would come back to the gate she’d always give my hand a lick. If I was in a hurry I’d leave the front door open so she could see out, and it would be the same result. Something so simple made me cry.
I made spaghetti and listened to Kentucky Sports radio like I stated and that helped. Once that went off I felt tired and I needed to sleep. I slept from 1-4 and then woke up and spoke to a long time friend. Abby got me a pizza, so I ate on that for dinner. the house is so empty now it’s haunting.
I thought of 2 stories that should have been in the tribute. I know there are so many which is why she is so special. For my first job at Future Choices in Muncie I had to go to a kids camp in Columbus Ohio. I decided not knowing how mature the kids were I’d leave Robin with a friend Dina. I think the camp was 4 days, and man I missed my girl. Anyway I came home and Dina brought her buy and she had the window halfway down and Robin got stuck in the window, because when she saw me standing in the parking lot she wasn’t going to wait for the door to be opened.. She was okay, but I got so many kisses. She did not let me out of her sight for a bit after that. My friend Sue was staying there assisting Dina who was recovering from surgery, and I would call and check in or text. Yes I am that guy, but I missed my girl. Sue told me I know your schedule now. I said what do you mean? Well Sue said she cry at 6 to go outside then I got nicely back to sleep and at 7:15 she cried again for food. I said you have it down.
The second story Abby loves to hear so I thought I would mention it. I decided to dog sit for my friend Carlos;s Seeing-Eye dog Derek. It happened to be the night of my friend Ethan’s Bachelor party. I decided I’d take the dogs out before we left that would give us time. Well I may have had a little to much to drink. I wrote a blog about this incident called something like Braille and strip club. Anyway they dropped me off and I got Derek out just fine. However for Robin I remember her going to the bathroom and then I decided I was tired and I would go to sleep under a tree. I went over and laid down instead of Robin panicking or being alarmed she let me hold her in my arms. Ethan happened to come back and got me up apparently we had a bit of a crowd around us so we got back inside. I just thought it was funny that Robin was like I’m with my dad everything’s fine move along.
She taught me responsibility for something, and helped me mature so I’m thankful for her. Not saying I didn’t do anything else stupid, but I did far less than I would have. I’m just waiting now on her ashes, and will post a link at that time for the company as well. Since Robin was a service animal they will cremate her for free. It is such a great feeling that people and companies give thanks for her work. I’m off to sleep and will post once I get her back. I plan to keep her in a nice spot in my house. Finally last time I checked her post had around 230 views today. Thank you for sharing it, and reading. I felt like it helped me a little to write all of that, and people were able to pay there respect. Sorry about all the errors I’m dictating, because it’s just easier. 

I haven’t had an epic rant for a while so here you go

I want to first off by stating RIP to jenelle a guide dog for my friend Matt. She Died on Sunday. She was 14 and a great dog. I have so many stories, and I can’t even begin to understand what he is going through. I understand it but I’ve never lost one yet. She went peacefully though which is good. Anyway if you could put Matt and Amanda in your thoughts. I remember her she’d wag her tail any chance she got. One night when I was going home Robin tried to steal her toys because I guess humping her all the time wasn’t enough. Haha Robin is quite the dominating girl. Anyway when I stepped outside the house I heard this thump thump as the toy went down the stairs. I got it and took it back in. Anyway I know you’ll be missed by Robin and myself.
What I want to talk about today is why blindness is viewed as this helplessness agenda. I am watching this video of this soldier who went blind, and no disrespect but what his fucking wife said really set me off. She said in a CBS video was she could either say were done he can’t do anything anymore or she could become his biggest cheerleader. I know obviously he went through some depression, and maybe even had thoughts of killing himself, but her notion that he couldn’t do anything where does that come from? Maybe again I’m digging at something she didn’t mean, but sighted people in general look at a blind person and say I couldn’t live if that happened to me. Being blind isn’t that bad. Yes you can’t see shit, but you can still do shit. I might not see cake baking in the oven rising to that beautiful doughy perfection, but I can taste it. I was talking to my friend Linda and Reggie this week about how summer bombs the fuck out of me sometimes. I know it’s stupid right, but I miss all the fashion women show off. I always hear from women I hang out with or dudes who stop paying attention to me because there watching someone all most be naked. Before I started watching described video again I didn’t realize how much sexual persuasion is always there. When your blind unless someones rubbing on you it’s not as stimulating. You can be ab oblivious to what is going on. As I get older my appearance becomes more important as I try to meet people or find new jobs. I walked around with a fucking stain on my shirt all day Friday. Thankfully I was in a place most others were to but still.
I think I offended my dad the other day, because I went home over the weekend and stated I wasn’t used to that long of a car ride. He said sorry I don’t own an airplane and can’t fly you home. That wasn’t what I met at all, but okay. Maybe again he doesn’t think about my situation because he doesn’t have to, but I would love to get in a fucking car and drive to Washington on a roadtrip, but the fact is I can’t. I guess I could maybe find a friend who wanted to go somewhere and tag along, but most of the time that means you lose a lot of freedom. I’m not in a relationship so at this point I don’t have that connection to share with. For me flying or cabs or busses is what I get. I don’t have the luxury of just getting in a car in my drive way and drive where I want. Most things I do I have to plan out or pay for a cab or Lyft. Yes I have a pilot friend and things work out, but it’s not always easy. When I was in Toronto do you know how tiring that really was? I mean I have just my phone, with GPS anything could have happened. I would love the security of just having a car christ.
Anyway back to the soldier. I think it is great what he did, but his wife pissed me off a little. I guess I can love you but if you go blind then I got a real fucking choice to make. Never mind you lost your sight fighting for my right to be a complete bitch. I’m just taking out some anger I have, but seriously man divorce her now. I just don’t know where this logic comes from that because your eyes stop working things constantly suck. Yes his situation is way crazier than mine I don’t remember anything, but life goes on. Is he still the man he was before the war probably not, but seeing his motivation by finishing the ironman shows he has a heart of a champion. I know sighted people as a whole really don’t know how to deal with blind people, and at times it’s weird. I’ve stated before I can go to a restaurant, and the waitress might open my straw for me which okay is nice right but does she do that to the sighted person? I’ve been on dates or hell even out with friends and they will look at the person and say what does he want? I’m a grown man just please ask me. Again my eyes and brain are completely different organs. My penis works too. I probably should have skipped writing tonight.
My final thought is I went home as I said earlier. I sat at the Finucanes house remembering the olden days. Before Ball state, before Louisville, and before Robin. I remember being just stuck in the country with no transportation other than my family. My brother would take me to school, and bring me home or I would ride the bus. If I was at wrestling someone would pick me up after that. I was so different back then, because I had to depend on others which is probably why I had being having to depend on people now. Hanging out at Brandons house helped me in ways I don’t really want to get in to here, but they helped me get out of bad situations at times. His family pretty much excepted me. I love them still. I’m sitting in there living room remembering my dreams of wanting to live in the big city, and work, and it’s somewhat weird it came true. I remembered struggling after college when no one would hire me. It’s just weird how things work out. I’m learning to just take things in strive and pick my battles. I can’t win them all. I will just say this. Why do we focus on the amazing accomplishments still of the blind, and rather not look at the struggles they face today? It’s easy for me to Google blind in the news and see a thousand feel good peaces, but I don’t see the poverty or the technology challenges we face. For that matter I have to read about how gay people are discriminated on at a job, but yet when I go to an interview and we talk about the dog rather than my accomplishments somehow this is executable and not wrong. I can’t hide my dog or my cane I am what I am. Not saying it’s unfair for gay people to face there problems at the end of the day it’s your choice what you display. I’m okay with you being you, but why can’t we ever get to a place where your fine with me being me? I find myself not being to religious, but one thing that’s always bothered me is people will tell me I’ll be perfect again when I get to heaven because everyone is. Why in theory then aren’t we all perfect in gods eyes for the way were made? I find myself watching people who can maybe get there sight back and even if it is just a sliver put themselves through major operations just to say they can see light again. Is it really worth it? I hear about these people who talk about using cameras possibly strapped to there heads and then that could somehow stimulate your brain in to seeing immages. Call me crazy, but you walking with cameras on your face is that going to make sighted people respect you more? I just wonder when will blind people start getting covered fairly? I know we are out numbered but in theory isn’t it crazy when I have to hear about a transgendered kid figure out which bathroom they want to use or can use and yet I hear nothing about blind struggles. I said to Linda I think there are more transgendered people in the country than blind people and that’s just weird to me sorry. Do I think science or god or whatever you believe can mess up sure, but not to the extent your seeing it in are country. Furthermore most of my friends on Facebook get all obsessed with gay rights something that affects none of them personally. Yet when it comes to blind people they have no clue. Do they get upset that i can’t tell apart a dollar bill from a five dollar bill without an Iphone? Do they get mad that the United States basically paid the National Federation of the Blind money to say that wasn’t important? Funny how they fought that cause in the 1990’s isn’t it? know one asked me or any blind people I know what are thoughts were on having accessible money. Again I see no support from my friends on trying to fix it, but if I were gay I’m sure you’d fucking march at my parade. I’m not being mean or trying to offend but rather just ask why people get involved with certain issues that don’t pertain to them, but then others just completely block it out? 

My day in Philadelphia

Saturday Adrian and I caught the Amtrak to Philadelphia which was pretty pleasant I must say. The Wi-Fi worked well the tracks were smooth completely different experience from the Midwest. Neil surprised me by bringing Erica back which I didn’t expect at all. He spent the night at his brothers in Louisville and brought her back Saturday afternoon. I thank him for that! I’m still learning so much about her and her family I’m sure she could say the same. Tonight I will get to that later but we spent at least two and half hours just talking about our childhoods which was nice. I love learning about her. Neil said he had a surprise for me and she put her hands over my eyes and Neil said guess who? They really have to think of a better way to full me. Haha. I got a chance to see his house it was beautiful. I missed them being in Louisville, because it was nice having somewhere to go over Thanksgiving last year they were kind of like my family away from home if that makes any sense. We went to Independence Hall and walked around there for a little while. I love history So I found it pretty neat. I’ve already seen the Liberty Bell but we still stop by, because Erica hadn’t seen it. Neil wanted somewhere to go watch the horse race so I got my GPS out to find something in the area. I found this place called the turf club which was pretty neat. Neil said that he thought it was a strip bar I just teased him about how sighted people most times do not use there sight. I really like walking around in Philadelphia much more so than New York, because it didn’t feel quite as a place only for tourists. I ended up liking the turf club because it was not very busy, and we could have conversations without yelling at each other. I hate loud places for the most part, because it really does hinder my communication.

I already shared one story about the Phillies game I thought it was pretty amazing. They had crab fries which was recommended to me definitely hope to have them again soon. After the game Neil and Adrian went back to their house and Erica and I went out. I ended up riding the bull at that PBR bar. I did pretty well I got bored and decided just to fall off eventually, but it was okay. Erica said I would’ve made a handsome cowboy I’ll take that. It was definitely different than what I imagined to be honest. Thankfully my boobs stayed in. Truthfully I imagined like one of those merry-go-round’ looking figures and I thought it would run on a track. We then found a club that had a dance floor and my favorite a couch. We danced a bit together and then sat on the couch talking. Alright we may have done some cuddling as well. I’m sure I will get over this but I had to use the bathroom and they had central bathrooms for all the clubs so she walked me to the guys entrance and waited which was nice but it still feels a little awkward to me. I know I overthink everything. We went to another tavern that was a few blocks away, and it was really nice just walking and talking with her. I love listening to her thoughts on things such as the Russian situation, or how the media works. We don’t always agree, but I value her opinion and we don’t really argue about the things we disagree on. I’ve had girlfriends in my life, but I’ve never been great at relationships. Usually one side has way more feelings than the other side which is usually me. Fuck it I can tell the truth. With Erica and probably I say in the last two months I’ve started opening up again and being more like myself before being mugged last year. I went through a lot of periods where I didn’t like life or I would be afraid to go somewhere. I feel refreshed, and have an energy that’s been missing. Today I look forward to getting home and just watching television on the couch with Erica getting ready for the work week. And one of our conversations she did tell me that she thought baseball was a bit boring, but because I love it she wants to love it. We watch a few games together, and knowing her true feelings and makes it even more special if that makes any sense because she’s wanting to make the effort. She’s done that all along and it’s something I admire about her. I probably don’t deserve her love but I have it and I’ll do anything for her to keep it. To be honest I’m pretty tired and my back is a little sore from being a cowboy so I’m going to go try to get a massage out of that.

a Kentucky Derby flashback

This weekend was full of events. We had a bachelor’s party for my friend Mat on Saturday. It was a great time. I really enjoy some of the guys I’ve met they’re all really nice. I spoke to one about a condo he has for sale, and I’m pretty interested. I’ll probably be visiting my bank soon for loan information. For me it’s in a good location for busses, and so that’s helpful. I’m sure I will be talking about this process more in-depth as I research it.

Sunday I was supposed to go fishing, but I went over to Erica’s and met her family. The only awkward moment was at dinner they were passing around food, and didn’t know how to ask me to grab it at first. The first dish went over my arm while I was drinking and I bumped it. I just spoke up and said if you let me know its coming I can pass it to whoever. The way people first act when they meet us is still so weird to me. They were all nice, and I was a bit worried when I first met her dad. I’m getting more used to it, and my confidence is growing. I know I have a lot to offer, but it’s trying to make a good first impression, I talked with her dad about a lot of things like music we like, and sports. Looking back on it I think I did well. I helped him change the oil in Erica’s car which gave us a bit of a bonding experience. I had never done it before, but he offered to teach me. I figured later on I’ll do it myself for her.

Most of Sunday Erica and I sat on a porch swing drinking tea and talking. We started watching the first season of Breaking Bad together. I’ve never seen it, and she feels that is absurd. We got through 3 episodes, and I have to admit I like it so far.

Robin stayed with Erica on Saturday while I was out at the party. We also took her to the vet again. They recommended me feeding her chicken and rice to settle her stomach. Oh my gosh she thinks she is in heaven. Usually Robin will kind of be hesitant and eat one piece of food at a time, but she inhales the chicken and rice. She’ll probably start faking sick just for chicken and rice. She feels a lot better today, but Friday and Saturday she scared me a bit. She wasn’t eating a whole lot, and was lethargic. Having Erica to talk to for support was a nice feeling. Yesterday I let her run in a fenced in yard, and she enjoyed that. She really doesn’t run, but she walks and sniffs everything.

This is a bit of a boring post, but for the first time honestly I can say I feel real comfortable where things are. Pilot Neil comes in tonight, so I can’t wait to see him. I’m also getting ready for the Kentucky Derby Saturday which brings me to a good story about last year’s Derby.

Last year Amanda, Mat, and I decided we wanted to do something for the Derby. We decided to do brunch at Makers Mark downtown. I think we got there around 1 pm. I had 2 drinks there, and they ended up kicking us out at 4 do to you had to have reservations. We then went to Friday’s, where I probably drank 6 Mint Juleps. They were pretty big glasses. I also ordered some pasta. Between the 3 of us we had over $100 in food. We went to pay and someone had already picked up are bill for us. I couldn’t believe it. The lady at the door helped us cross the street, because things were a bit spinney for me. We walked to where cabs would be, and they wanted to charge us a lot, so we decided to catch a bus. This is where things got a little crazy. Amanda and Mat walked down the actual street, since it was blocked off. I went on the sidewalk. When I was passing back by Fridays the lady ran out and said Mr. Joe where are you trying to go? There were so many people and I was using my cane since I was drinking. I left my Robin at home. Anyway I told her I was going to go to the bus stop, and she walked me to the end of the block. I found a cab at that point, and just wanted to get home, so I paid $20 for a mile cab ride. Mat and Amanda found a cab, and got there’s paid for. Apparently they did try searching for me, but it was way too crowded we would have never found each other. I remember getting home and ordering Jimmy Johns later that night. What a day it was! No one got hurt, we got are meal paid for, and it is a great memory. I don’t think we’re going to do Friday’s this year, because we all have moved out of downtown, so getting home could be troublesome. I look forward to the Derby every year. If you haven’t figured out by now, I love to have a good time. haha

A bit about dating depression and life

Yesterday was the NCAA men’s finals I did not catch any of it. This struck me as a little weird because I’m a huge sports fan and I don’t think I’ve ever missed an NCAA finals game before. I’ve been going through a little depression lately and haven’t really spoke about it. A few weeks ago I went on a date a second date as a matter fact, and afterwords when she was bringing me home she said she had to use the bathroom so I allowed her to come into my apartment. She was here for about 15 to 20 minutes and I ended up going through some hell. The next morning after she had gone I realized my Bose headphones and Bluetooth speaker were missing. I looked all over for them but couldn’t see them. I have a one bedroom apartment and is only a few places I would put things. I texted her and she did not respond. Around 9 o’clock I texted her and said if she did not respond I would call the police still no response.

Finally the next morning the police called me and said they had my stuff. She also stole a autograph baseball which I didn’t realize until later. My friend Pat agreed to pick up the items for me since he set us up. I definitely do not want her back at my house or around me at all. My stuff still works it doesn’t look like it took any abuse I was just relieved to have it back.

Over the weekend I went to the final four women’s tournament where I ran into a woman who I have had history with. We ended up going to lunch which was really great and we had a in-depth conversation. I’ve talked to her on the phone a few times but it was great seeing her in person I think because she gave me some ideas that I am going to use. We will just remain friends but I am thankful for that because she is very smart and helpful her being in my life I think will be a good thing. I will mention her name because it’s not important and doesn’t need to be said in a public forum but the game of basketball is very lucky to have her and she will lead the women’s game to new heights. Anyway before she drop me off at the Greyhound station to come home she said something to me that was very interesting. She told me that she is reading my blog as well as watching my posts on Facebook. She said while I put myself out there a lot emotionally and share my feelings, but I hold the best part of me back. I can explain more about that but I will leave it alone. I think overall with relationships i’ve overlooked through the years people that would’ve been good fits because maybe I’m scared of commitment, failure, or just wasn’t attracted to that type at the time. Talking to my friend over the weekend I realized that maybe I do fend off people that are attracted to me for some reason and 10 to try for people way out of my league. Also dating sighted people has been a challenge because I’m never viewed as an equal for some reason. I can provide for her help I could probably even buy her a car or a house but a lot of times women come in and want to be your mom or never quite treat you equally. Lexi may have been the first to do so. My girlfriend Taylor as well did a pretty good job at treating me equally but it’s not the norm.

It’s easy for someone to look on the outside and say I have a lot to offer someone but to find someone who will except that is a different story. With the New Orleans girl I was talking about earlier that’s what I will call her because that’s where we first met we met after a basketball game and spent the night together. We went out drinking because they have lost so she wanted to vent about the season, and then we went back to her hotel. I was pretty new and radio and it was really my first trip, so this was definitely new to me. You can probably figure out what happened next, so I won’t paint those details I’m not really about that. In the morning we talked about possibly having a relationship but with her going on to do bigger things in me and Louisville distance would definitely have been an issue. We decided to remain friends and text each other a few times the following months. When I saw her over the weekend I realized I would add her to the things that went pretty well list, because hanging out with her I don’t really feel like she views me as being blind. We’ve never really spent that much time in person together, but she is kind of a leader anyway and I feel like that type of personality is rare to find. Finishing off where I was going to go with this thought doing radio I’ve gotten to go to a lot of places but at times it’s been kind of lonely. It’s cool to go to different cities and view different games, but sometimes I would like to have someone to share with or call home too.

Anyway New Orleans girl said to me after telling her about a girl in my life why don’t I ask her out? After I laid out all of the excuses that I had she saw right through it and said if you never give love a chance how can it form? A girl here has been pursuing me for a while but I kind of ignored it and I really don’t know the reasons. I have a few negatives but overall I never gave it a chance or much of a thought. With all the crazy things that of been happening lately I would just like to have something safe, and she would definitely provide that. On Friday I’m going to lay it out like that and just tell her my feelings and be honest. I don’t think she reads this blog, but if she does h oh well. Haha with my life traveling around and staying busy I’ve neglected part of me that needs to feel some normalcy. I kind a ranted and this post, but over the next few years or however long I continue this I hope that you’ll learn about struggles blind people have in life. I will provide funny stories, because there are a lot of them but I also want you to see the difficult things we go through as well. Dating and employment are the two hardest ones.

Okay I vented I missed the stupid tournament game and I’m a little sleepy now so it’s back to bed for now. On a positive I gave Robin a massage today and she fell asleep right next to me. Usually about once a week I try to give her a little time, so I plan something like massage or extra playtime something to make her feel special. When I first got her from the Seeing Eye she’s delay is far away from me as she could today before the massage we actually wrestled around a little bit which was something she never liked to do. Her puppy raiser was an older person and I don’t think they played with her a whole lot. She likes to play catch and tug-of-war sometimes. Tonight though I kept pushing on her and finally she put her paws around me and we rolled around and wrestled a little bit. She didn’t bite which is good I don’t want to encourage that at all. It was great and I realized that our bond is something unique. I will probably feel this bond with any dog I get in the future hopefully, but it is definitely a special thing that is hard to put into words. This weekend navigating the airport city streets and the arena the communication we have between the two of us is amazing.

Dating and meeting parents

I pressure myself a lot on first dates. I try not to show it, but whenever I go out with anyone on a date I get a bit uncomfortable. Once I know someone for a while I settle in, but I struggle with trying to show I’m confident and capable I think I over compensate at times. Last night my friend Pat texted me, and asked if I would want to go out on a date with someone he knew from his church. I agreed, because honestly the last 3 weeks or so have been pretty deflating. I quit Clear Channel and didn’t get a job in baseball this year.

We met at a restaurant, and right away I had to shake off something that annoyed me. The waitress asked Nikki my date what would he like to drink? Why not just ask me? I spoke up and said he would like water. I phrased it just like that. I’m blind not deaf. It’s really hard for me anyway to go why anyone would want to be with someone who gets viewed like this. I’m sure I’m harder on myself than I should be, but I really am trying to be seen as desirable not worthless. After that little snag everything else went pretty well. We had a lot in common from music to sports. I’m pretty excited no matter where things decide to go.

Meeting someone’s parents can be pretty nerve racking for me as well. I remember when I met Lexi’s parents for the first time. Blind people don’t even make up 1% of the population, so it’s conceivable that you could go through your entire life and not meet anyone blind. When first meeting anyone I don’t care who it is there instantly is this response you get where it’s like you’re instantly Superman or pitied. A lot of people put themselves as blind and that’s not a real fair comparison, because you use sight for everything, so of course it would be scary. Anyway I remember meeting Lexi’s parents, and I was so nervous. It was the first time I really had met a girl’s parents, so I wasn’t sure what to do. I wanted to be extra manly for them to show I could protect their daughter, so the first time in my life I was pretty quiet. I over thought everything, and took myself out of my normal element. I’d like to tell you that life gets easier the more you do it, but talking with a friend the other night I’m not sure. He is married to a woman and they’re both blind. Her parents and he had arguments in the beginning where the parents tried to break them up since he is blind. They felt there daughter should be with someone who could protect and provide for her. Again I’m just stating what he told me, and his experience. Mine has been similar. It makes my head and heart hurt some times to be completely honest. My family still doesn’t get it, so it’s hard to fathom someone will. I try to remain upbeat, but the rejections are piling on me.

I remember driving to Evansville to see my niece being born. My grandpa in the car said if I found a sighted girl he’d buy her a car. A week later I nearly died from alcohol poisoning. When people put you in a spot where it’s like you need to find someone with sight or try to dictate what I need it really gets me down. I don’t look at the world in that way. I never would date anyone just because they had sight or just because they didn’t. I know a lot of women exclude me as a legit partner and that makes me sad, but in the end it’s there loss.

A lot of times too you’ll get women that want to be your mom rather than a girlfriend. I have one mom I don’t need another. I dated a girl once that would put on what she thought I would want to watch, and wouldn’t let me use the remote myself. When I wanted to watch something different she’d come in and change it. Needless to say I was out of that quickly. In a relationship I want to contribute my 50% not 5 or 10. Hell I might even contribute 80%. I used to think a relationship was 50 50, but the older I get I realize it never is quite equal. That has nothing to do with blindness, but people can’t be 50/50 all the time it is impractical.

This is kind of a sad post so something funny will be coming today