Tag Archives: girlfriend

One year later and other thoughts

A year ago I got news my friend Ethan committed suicide. The news completely rocked my world. The next few months I’d just wake up at 2 or 3 and just cry. I may have a dream about him hearing him and then wake up realizing he was still gone. When it first happened all I could do was read. About a month in I started listening to Mat Jones Kentucky Sports Radio podcast and when I could catch it live on the radio. Honestly go read the day after Kentucky lost to Wisconsin and you’ll see my heartbreak. Watching them was like this mask so to speak. I cope with these things by watching sports, because it’s the one thing that has always been there. I still really can’t watch the NFL much I am trying this year, because I know Ethan wouldn’t want me not to watch it’s just hard.
I’ve heard so many things talking with friends that try to help but most didn’t know him and most don’t understand suicide. I’ve heard things like I don’t know why people would do such a thing? That just pisses me off quite frankly, because your not in that persons shoes. To me actually doing it is probably a real courageous act. It might not be the best thing, but it takes guts. To be in that much pain and whatever. I stopped talking about it around most, because I didn’t want to hear there ignorance.
I don’t wake up crying anymore, but I do think about him and wish he could still be here. I think about texting him about a Colts trade, or to laugh about something that would have been an inside joke and then let my phone fall back down.
Saying goodbye was the hardest for me. I remember the funeral seemed like a dream I couldn’t get awake from. You never picture saying goodbye to your best friend when he was 27. You never think this will be the last time we texted or talked. I cherish every memory I have of him, and I lost someone who no matter what I could count on if I needed something.
I wrote a memory about him, and it pained me to do so. I didn’t think it would be hard to share something, but I found it hard to focus on one thing or one instant. Here I share pretty personal feelings, but even now I am holding back a bit. I think about him every day, and I don’t think that will change. He always included me which I found special looking back a lot of people don’t so yeah.
I was going to write 2 posts, but I feel like shit. My throat hurts and my head is aching. Small problems I know. This weekend I went to the Kentucky game with Robin. When I got there the seat I had bought wasn’t big enough for her to fit down in between. I panicked because I requested special for accessible seating. They told me everything was sold out, but they had room in a box. I got up there and it was amazing. They had free hotdogs and soda. It had it’s own bathroom, and about 18 other people who knew I didn’t belong. No one really talked to me so that was a bummer. I did meat Rodger the concession guy we talked most of the night. On one play in particular I tossed my radio in front of me a little hard and it flew in to the wall. This lady came over and said here I think this is yours? I said thank you and couldn’t think of a disability I could claim to blame it on. The radio still worked Tom came over it just fine. Kentucky’s quarterback completed 8 passes the entire game and yet they still had a shot to win on the last drive. Overall I enjoyed the box, but I missed being in the noise. There were windows, but not quite the same.
Finally I will talk about this girl I met named Abby. We’ve been hanging out the last few weeks, and things are going really well. With her things are just really chill. I mean like I’ve always felt like I’’ve put in work and the other half has come up short or taken advantage of my kindness. I really like joking with her, and I’m excited to see where things go. I am taking things one day at a time, but I really enjoy spending time with her. She actually watched the entire football game and is catching on really quickly. I am planning on taking her to Lexington to watch a basketball game this year she loves the basketball team. The bus I took this time was real smooth and I was able to connect with a bus in Lexington that got me to the stadium.
I might as well say this now I had a job interview in Nebraska but thankfully I didn’t get the job. It would have been working with blind people something I want to do again soon. I just couldn’t imagine leaving Louisville and my home. The older I get the less diserable that becomes. I was freaking about everything moving Robin again, learning a new city, and what the hell to do with my house? Things work out though.
Before I go I just wanted to say hold those close to you tight. Even if you fight say I love you and hug them more, because you never know when the last time will be. I got let down by the Colts and Packers exit last year, but if the Cubs win the world series this year I know you played the best card up there sir. I’ll never replace him there will always be a spot for him no matter how many years pass. I loved the person he was and the prints left by him. I’ll see him again one day, and he can by me drinks pretending there from women to get me drunk and feel better about myself. I miss you buddy.

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Erica’s viewpoint.

I thought it might be cool if Erica wrote a little blog entry about her point of view. I did not edit it here it is. I do not see anywhere in here about how handsome I am, s but maybe I missed it after all I am blind. She is very sweet and beautiful see I know how to complement.

Joe and I met at a party about eight months ago. He’ll tell you it was a year ago, but it wasn’t I’m a girl we remember dates! I never had met a blind person before, but we talked for a few minutes. I remember thinking to myself I wonder how he is viewing me, since he can’t see me? We didn’t exchange numbers or anything that night, but we ran in to each other at a Louisville football game a month later. Robin had an upset stomach, so I offered to run by Walgreens and pick up some medication for her. I took Joe to his house, and he invited me in, and we ended up sitting outside talking for several hours. Talking with him is really nice, because most of the time he listens. I stress most of the time, because he still is a guy.

After that night we didn’t really hang out much. We’d would text each other from time to time, and one time during the holidays we went out for cheesecake. In April I invited him to a party at my apartment, and he came which surprised me. We started talking more and more from that night on, and I just started falling in love with him. He is so fast with come backs, and his ability to make me laugh is astounding. I didn’t really know what dating him would be like, or if he would be interested in me. If you read this blog one thing you may not pick up on is Joe can be awfully shy. He has been burnt by past relationships, so I understand his apprehension.

Once we started actually dating we had a few hurtles to maneuver, but things are really well now. Joe loves his independence, and I truly understand that as much as I can. He doesn’t want to burden me or have me do all the work but a relationship wouldn’t work out that way anyway. Joe is so caring, and thoughtful. Last night I cooked dinner for him, and before we ate he took my hand and prayed. After the prayer he just held my hand for a second squeezed it and said thank you for dinner I really appreciate it. He’s always doing little things that make me feel special. After dinner he thanked me again with a hug. Previous boyfriends I’ve had never thanked me for cooking or if they did it was something quick and felt like they just expected it. He also put a lot of thought in to our first kiss which I found real sweet. He went over that already, so I will skip it, but it was breath taking.

I get the question a lot from friends what is it like dating someone blind? I don’t really think about it a lot to be honest. The only times I notice him really being blind is when he sits in a room with no lights on, or I walk in to his apartment and it’s completely dark. I now just turn on lights without saying anything, but I remember once I asked him how do you stand it so dark? He just laughed at me, and once in a while he’ll bring it up as a joke. I used to think to myself when we first met how does he do this or how would he do that, but after you spend time with him those questions fade. He’ll hate this part, but I do find him amazing at times, because I don’t think I would be as successful not being able to see. He makes it look so easy, but I’ve closed my eyes and it’s pretty overwhelming to me.

One thing I enjoy is describing things to him. We went to the Empire state building over the weekend, where I described the view to him. I find it at times challenging, because I want him to be able to form a picture of what I’m describing. During movies he will ask me what happened at a time where there is no dialog, and I’ll fill in the blanks for him. I’m amazed though how much he can pick up on just by listening, because I thought at first I had to describe everything but he quickly stopped me from doing that. I usually don’t describe anything now unless he asks, because I don’t want to annoy him.

I’ve honestly had friends tell me that I’m a good person for being with someone who’s blind. It upset me the first time I heard this, and I haven’t talked to that person since. There is more to Joe than his blindness, and honestly it’s the smallest part of him. I having a good heart has nothing to do with my relationship with Joe nor do I care what your opinion of us is. My family loves him, and they see how well he treats me. I think for my parents it was a bit awkward for them meeting Joe the first time. They had never met a blind person before, so they asked me a lot of questions before meeting him. I remember my mom said something about did you watch the Voice last night? She then quickly said I’m sorry did you listen to the Voice last night? Joe was real sweet about it, and just said yes I saw the Voice last night.

I think the key for us is communication. Even if something causes us to get in to an argument we’ll talk about it later. I love that aspect of our relationship. He’ll send me a text message at the right time during the day saying I miss you, or I just wanted to say I love you.

I don’t think Joe being blind matters to me at all. We’re going to go on a trip over the weekend, and I know he feels bad he can’t help me drive, but if he holds my hand and talks to me it’ll all work out.

I’m going to wrap this up now, and I hope someone finds this information useful. I think confidence plays a big part in relationships in the beginning I don’t think Joe was confident in his ability, and may have found me a bit intimidating. I think as we’ve grown were finding a middle ground where we can trust each other. I know it will just take time for him to understand I don’t mind if he calls me to take him somewhere. If I’m busy or can’t I will let him know, and he can use his other sources. Ultimately I want to make his life easier just like he does for me. Dating Joe has been no different than anyone sighted I’ve dated, and I wish everyone could see it that way. Obviously he has some limitations, but everyone does. If you focus on negative things about people you’ll constantly miss the positive atttributes people can bring. Yes Joe can’t drive me around, but he can still spoil me in other ways or do things that make me feel even more extraordinary.

Most of the time I notice him being blind has to do with light. One night I remember waking up and having to use the bathroom I walk in to the bathroom and flip on the light and there Joe is in the dark with earbuds on. It almost gave me a heart attack! I’m working on him using lights. In the morning he takes a shower with his Bluetooth speaker and will sing songs it usually is a Miley Cyrus or Taylor Swift song. haha it makes me laugh though! This last paragraph was rushed, because I wanted to get even with him for something he promised me know editing so I better see this.

Defining the relationship

Last night I recorded a show on my DVR that Erica wanted to watch so she came over with dinner. Robin still didn’t move a whole lot. We went out on my patio, and Robin followed us out, but just laid on the pavement. With Robin getting sick I didn’t really get to talk about us much. My mind was really elsewhere while writing about my weekend.

Last night Erica came in my house and I could tell she was upset. She asked me why I didn’t call her to take Robin to the emergency vet. I told her the truth she had already left, and I don’t want a situation where someone feels they have to drive me around I’m not MS. Daisy. Truthfully for me and I will explain more, but I have a lot of insecurities when it comes to my blindness in a relationship. I want to pull my weight, and contribute as much as I can. If I had called back Erica Saturday night to see if she could run me to the animal hospital I would have felt guilty in a weird way. I never want her to think I am taking advantage of her. I explained how I felt, but I think she just wanted to help. She didn’t really get where I was coming from.

After we ate we watched a news show on the Boston bombings she wanted to see. Before she got ready to leave she said she wanted to talk with me about something. She wanted some clarification on our relationship. After Saturday I felt really nice we had a great time spending most of the day together. I like being around her, because we have a lot we can talk about. From politics to radio she is really something else. The only downside to her is she likes the ST. Louis Cardinals. She said she would like clarification to where I thought we were. I basically said a longer version of what I put here. I do want a relationship, but I didn’t start hanging out with her for that reason. I really just wanted a friend to do things with, and I feel if we make that jump then I could lose my friend. I told her I didn’t want to rush anything, but she said she wanted a deeper answer than that, so I opened up a bit.

For me blind sighted relationships have been a bit awkward mainly for me. I know those are my insecurities, but they’re hard to ignore. I feel like to a degree why would she want to put herself through dating me? I don’t view myself as a burden by any means, but I know it’s going to be a different experience being with me. She said that I make her laugh, and she loves talking with me. The last week we’ve talked every night until around 12 or so just about life. I really want to know about her like what life was like for her growing up, going to school, because those are the things I didn’t get to see. She said she doesn’t normally come across guys she can talk to as openly as she can me. It made me feel good she has done that since I’ve known her.

Guys I’m telling you if you ever hear we need to talk about defining our relationship you better set aside a big chunk of time. We talked for about 3 hours in total it involved a bit of crying, but in the end I hope things are defined for her. I decided on Wednesday to take her out to her favorite restaurant. It’s been awhile since I’ve been romantic or went above and beyond for someone, but I’m ready to do so for her. Don’t fear I will post all the corny things I do. I’ve already got 2 or 3 ideas for our first kiss. I put way to much thought in to everything, but I guess it’s that little bit of youth holding on.

Let me educate all you younger guys who may read this on not what to do. At times in my life the earlier Joe would have acted to things like first kisses on impulse. This is the wrong thing to do. Girls like to feel secure they don’t want to kiss out in public. Never make that mistake. Also they also don’t like to be kissed in front of cab drivers again big mistake. I have done a few of them correctly, but it took a while to really understand the mind of a woman you women are so complex. I just try to make things memorable in some way. My favorite kiss was my first one. It was with my friend Sarah. I asked Sarah’s friend if the moon was out, because obviously I couldn’t see it. It ended up being a full moon that night, so I took Sarah outside and I told her how I felt about her. At the end of our little conversation I asked her what she thought of the light of the moon and I kissed her. I’ve also for someone’s birthday bought little cupcakes and lit the numbered candles on it. I told her to make a wish, and then I kissed her. Don’t worry she blew the candles out first. I’m running out of ideas though seriously.