Tag Archives: friendship

One year later and other thoughts

A year ago I got news my friend Ethan committed suicide. The news completely rocked my world. The next few months I’d just wake up at 2 or 3 and just cry. I may have a dream about him hearing him and then wake up realizing he was still gone. When it first happened all I could do was read. About a month in I started listening to Mat Jones Kentucky Sports Radio podcast and when I could catch it live on the radio. Honestly go read the day after Kentucky lost to Wisconsin and you’ll see my heartbreak. Watching them was like this mask so to speak. I cope with these things by watching sports, because it’s the one thing that has always been there. I still really can’t watch the NFL much I am trying this year, because I know Ethan wouldn’t want me not to watch it’s just hard.
I’ve heard so many things talking with friends that try to help but most didn’t know him and most don’t understand suicide. I’ve heard things like I don’t know why people would do such a thing? That just pisses me off quite frankly, because your not in that persons shoes. To me actually doing it is probably a real courageous act. It might not be the best thing, but it takes guts. To be in that much pain and whatever. I stopped talking about it around most, because I didn’t want to hear there ignorance.
I don’t wake up crying anymore, but I do think about him and wish he could still be here. I think about texting him about a Colts trade, or to laugh about something that would have been an inside joke and then let my phone fall back down.
Saying goodbye was the hardest for me. I remember the funeral seemed like a dream I couldn’t get awake from. You never picture saying goodbye to your best friend when he was 27. You never think this will be the last time we texted or talked. I cherish every memory I have of him, and I lost someone who no matter what I could count on if I needed something.
I wrote a memory about him, and it pained me to do so. I didn’t think it would be hard to share something, but I found it hard to focus on one thing or one instant. Here I share pretty personal feelings, but even now I am holding back a bit. I think about him every day, and I don’t think that will change. He always included me which I found special looking back a lot of people don’t so yeah.
I was going to write 2 posts, but I feel like shit. My throat hurts and my head is aching. Small problems I know. This weekend I went to the Kentucky game with Robin. When I got there the seat I had bought wasn’t big enough for her to fit down in between. I panicked because I requested special for accessible seating. They told me everything was sold out, but they had room in a box. I got up there and it was amazing. They had free hotdogs and soda. It had it’s own bathroom, and about 18 other people who knew I didn’t belong. No one really talked to me so that was a bummer. I did meat Rodger the concession guy we talked most of the night. On one play in particular I tossed my radio in front of me a little hard and it flew in to the wall. This lady came over and said here I think this is yours? I said thank you and couldn’t think of a disability I could claim to blame it on. The radio still worked Tom came over it just fine. Kentucky’s quarterback completed 8 passes the entire game and yet they still had a shot to win on the last drive. Overall I enjoyed the box, but I missed being in the noise. There were windows, but not quite the same.
Finally I will talk about this girl I met named Abby. We’ve been hanging out the last few weeks, and things are going really well. With her things are just really chill. I mean like I’ve always felt like I’’ve put in work and the other half has come up short or taken advantage of my kindness. I really like joking with her, and I’m excited to see where things go. I am taking things one day at a time, but I really enjoy spending time with her. She actually watched the entire football game and is catching on really quickly. I am planning on taking her to Lexington to watch a basketball game this year she loves the basketball team. The bus I took this time was real smooth and I was able to connect with a bus in Lexington that got me to the stadium.
I might as well say this now I had a job interview in Nebraska but thankfully I didn’t get the job. It would have been working with blind people something I want to do again soon. I just couldn’t imagine leaving Louisville and my home. The older I get the less diserable that becomes. I was freaking about everything moving Robin again, learning a new city, and what the hell to do with my house? Things work out though.
Before I go I just wanted to say hold those close to you tight. Even if you fight say I love you and hug them more, because you never know when the last time will be. I got let down by the Colts and Packers exit last year, but if the Cubs win the world series this year I know you played the best card up there sir. I’ll never replace him there will always be a spot for him no matter how many years pass. I loved the person he was and the prints left by him. I’ll see him again one day, and he can by me drinks pretending there from women to get me drunk and feel better about myself. I miss you buddy.

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Second family

In high school I had a friend named Brandon. We became really close, and at times I would spend more time at his place than mine. His family loved me, and they pretty much adopted me. When Robin got sick I contacted Dan to say hi. Dan is Brandon’s dad. I got a little home sick for the first time in a while. I haven’t seen Dan or Brandon since 2011 right before I moved here. With my career I’ve been flying and traveling everywhere but home. My grandpa’s sick as well, so I really hate the fact I can’t just get home that easily. Being blind I love the transportation I have here in Louisville, because I have an airport and bus station. When I lived at home I had to depend on my parents or brother and sister to take me anywhere. After I left high school I became much more independent. That’s probably why I struggle with it so much, is because I’ve not always had it. The country is a completely different experience. I love the country and would choose it over the city, but transportation is nonexistent, so I will never get that opportunity.

Back to my story though. I remember one comment Dan made to me about the fifth time I spent the night. He said when Brandon told me you were coming over I wasn’t Shure if the house had the right handicap accessibility. I asked him what he meant and he said we don’t have any ramps or anything. I found that odd, but at the same time they’ve never met anyone blind. He said you get around here better than me. As time grew we became closer and closer. Brandon and I would play videogames in the basement, and watch a lot of movies. I really felt part of their family, and even when I call now I just enjoy hearing how they’re doing. During my year without work I’d call Dan and he would tell me that someone will give me a chance just keep trying. It kind of lifted me up when I kept hearing no from employers.

Brandon and I would play videogames a lot as I mentioned earlier. I remember the first time I beat him in football he shut off the game before I got the official win. We were pretty even when it came to playing all though he probably won more. We would play baseball a lot as well. They had a basketball hoop in there drive way so on nice days we’d play basketball.

His sister Brittany was a little younger than us, but Dan always thought it would be great if we dated. One day we went to a play and we decided to play a joke on him. We came home and we told him we were dating. He was so happy. We let him believe that for about 2 weeks, and finally we told him the truth. He still kids me about it today. Brandon stayed pretty far away from that one.

I’m hoping to go home in June or July for a weekend and say hi. Unfortunately to see Brandon I would have to go to Wisconsin, so that is out of the picture. He has a child now, and I hope to meet him one day. We text, but we both stay way to busy. I know I’m a lot different of a person than I was back then, because I can get out and do things on my own. Having to depend on people for rides, or just not having the confidence to go somewhere alone has changed the most. Anyway I thought it was long overdue to write a peace about them. I love them all, and I’m glad they invited me in so easily to their family.

A little about my weekend

My friend Denny came in to town, so rather than blog I wanted to spend time with him. We don’t get to see each other hardly at all once every year or so. I met him while attending Ball State, and since then we spend a lot of time talking about baseball, politics, and radio on the phone. If I can’t sleep or if I just happen to be awake I can always count on him to be up usually at 4 in the morning.

As you can tell from the blind photography post from Saturday we went to the Louisville Bats Cincinnati Reds game. It was way colder than either one of us thought. We both started watching the weather about 2 weeks out, at one time I saw Sunny and 70. It ended up being rain and 45 at game time. I met the ticket manager of the Bats who was a real nice guy who moved us underneath some boxed seats. When we got there they had standing water underneath our original seats. I felt bad for Robin, because she laid in it for about 30 minutes. Once we moved around the third inning she stood up and shook against my knee. I didn’t know what I should do for her, because going inside really wasn’t an option. I gave her my coat and rapped it all around her. When I put it against her neck she gave me a kiss on the hand. She snuggled up to my legs as well providing some more warmth. When we got home she seemed okay, but I was worried she’d get sick.

That night we watched the NCAA tournament, and I fell asleep. Being out in the cold it took a few hours for my body to warm back up. I woke up around 11, and Denny and I held our traditional 2014 MLB picks. We rank the MLB from top to bottom explaining why we chose a team to finish.

This morning I took Denny back to the bus station, so he can get home to his wife and daughter. I guess they’d like to have him back. Denny is blind and has a hard time hearing out of one ear. I mention this, because he talked about when he received his first hearing aide how amazing it was to hear birds and things I take for granted daily. We’ve known each other about 6 years, and since I’ve known him I realize how quickly life moves. I would go to his house and we’d watch a game. His daughter Rachael would want to play dolls with me, so I’d make believe with her. Now she is going to be 11 this year, and I can’t believe how time has gone so fast. Pretty soon I’ll be sitting with him on his porch polishing my fire arm while she’s on a date.