Tag Archives: family

Trip to Muncie.

Last Monday I caught the bus and got off at my transfer point. I use an app on my phone that tells me when my next bus is approaching. It goes off alerting me it is 1 minute away. The bus stops but is in the street it didn’t pull all the way up to the curb. I start walking towards it to get on because I thought it was my bus. My cane went around the poll but my face didn’t. I smacked it hard and started to bleed. THis guy gets off the bus and is like are you okay? I’m saying every 4 letter word I can think of in my mind, but I reply yeah. Ending up it was the wrong bus. So I got a bloody forehead for nothing. God that hurt.

Last weekend Abby and I traveled up to Muncie it was a lot of fun. I hadn’t been back for 7 years. I was hoping to fit seeing some people in to the schedule, but we did good. Are time in Indy was so short so unfortunately I couldn’t see Monica and her family, Collin or Jonathan.

We got to Muncie on Friday and we met Carlos for lunch at Scotties. That wrap was so good. I didn’t get a beer that would have been truely nostalgic, but it was good. I told Abby about some of my adventures there. I’d meet Ethan and some guys and on pitcher night and then stumble home. Then when I got Robin I’d walk there have a beer and walk home not so tipsy. After that we took a shuttle ride to the Bell building. I saw the new accessible tech lab man it is so different from when I was there. Carlos has done a fantastic job keeping it up.

One thing I did was get the door to door service set up so we could get around cheaper and more reliably. Muncie is a small town so Uber is setup there but you may not always have one available. We rode out to the Best Western with a driver named Viola. I actually rode with her back in the day to work. She would keep dog treats for Robin and hand them to me when I’d get off so I could give her one when I wanted. Needless to say Robin adored her. Thats one thing I miss we have so many drivers here in Louisville we get to know some, but there it’s more like a family feel.

Anyway we went in to the Best Western and found the desk. The person behind though made no noise and we stood there for about 5 minutes. Abby said this isn’t good maybe no ones here. Finally the guy cleared his throat. Can you believe that shit? Seriously if we were sighted this wouldn’t happen, but my guess is he didn’t know how to deal with 2 blind people. Later Abby and I joked that blind people just walk in and hang out in hotel lobbies for the fun of it. After awkward guy checks us in I ask him what direction is the room? He fucking points and says it’s that way. I say to the right? No it’s that way. Finally I just start moving. We walked through a door and I guess he finally maybe understood we couldn’t see and he met us and showed us where the room door was. You just never know what your going to encounter. The hotel though was easy to navigate and I found the pool hot tub, and vending machines all with ease. I used AIRA to learn what was in the soda ones, so that was cool.

For dinner we went out and celebrated my long time friend Phils birthday at Red Lobster. I saw some folks I hadn’t seen in years and one in particular made me laugh. This lady named D is visually impaired so she can see a bit. I said hi D and she sort of hesitated so I knew she didn’t recognize me. I said it’s Joe. She says Oh my gosh I didn’t know you since you put on so much weight. Lol when you can’t see yourself people calling you a fat ass makes you feel good.

After Red Lobster the driver Steve said he enjoyed me and Denny going back and forth. He took us back to the hotel and said he could come get us in 40 minutes saving us a cab to Denny’s. Again that small town kindness was just so nice. We went back out and hung out with Denny for a bit. Our first night went well.

Saturday we went to Dina’s Christmas party. I have so many memories over the years of this. So back in the day this event was my first gathering of mainly blind folks. Maybe at a later time I will talk more in detail about this, but being around folks that are going through the same struggles is comforting. Over the years it’s become like a family event. I also got to see Sue and M’lee Sue’s daughter. M’lee I forgot to mention this to her the fact she has an ‘ in her name just rules. Anyway the party was lots of fun and I really enjoyed seeing everyone.

Alright now to the fun part. After the party I asked some folks to come over and we would just hang out and drink some wine. Phil, Dina, Steve, Sue, Carlos, and Denny all coame over and man it was a blast. Carlos brought 12 beers honestly I thought to myself no way were drinking all of those. He got me some Gumb Ball head from 3 Floyds oh my gosh so good. Needless to say we finished them all. I was bar tender. Abby, Phil Dina, Steve, and Sue had wine. I thought we may get in to trouble for being loud, but no one said anything. I know I don’t see those folks much, but I love seeing them and being able to tell old stories as well as new ones. I love them al, and it was a great trip.

It’s funny since the anniversary of Robin’s passing in my head I try and go over old memories and being back in Muncie brought up a lot. I’d say Robin not only increased my independence and made me more confident, but she provided stability and made me grow up. It’s like when you have a kid you can still drink and probably more, but your responsible for something else. Robin helped me realize that and made me grow up. I wanted to make the Seeing-Eye proud and wanted to have her on display working and doing a great job.

Carlos and Kelly took Abby and I downtown after we had some breakfast of course and we caught the Gray Hound home. It was great seeing Kelly I wish she could have come to the hotel also. Abby and I had a lot of fun and I enjoyed sharing that part of my life with her. We plan to go back again it won’t be 7 years. Abby and I are wanting to go to Portland Maine next summer. Some of that depends on when I get my new dog, but we really want to explore and see some places we haven’t been to. Plus I want some fresh Lobster. Anyway happy holidays to y’all.

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Wedding and the Honeymoon!

Finally I have the time to update y’all on the wedding and honeymoon. Before that in a month I get to go see Microsofts campus in Washington for work. As a tech enthusiast is really cool. I have actually been looking at the surface line, but still feel the IPad Pro line serves me better. I still think it will be neat to spend a few days there.

The wedding. I first want to say it was such a nice opportunity to see people who I haven’t seen in a while which felt great. I talk to Phil and Denny once a week, but I haven’t seen them in a few years. My friend Sue came and I hadn’t seen her in about 5 years. Muncie and Ball State I met a lot of great people. Having Carlos there was awesome. Anyway I don’t want to call out people by name I’d be here all day and I wouldn’t want to forget anyone. The weekend went so fast and the day was a blur while it was happening. I do just want to thank anyone who came y’all are family and I love you.

We had a dinner Friday night where anyone who came in from out of town we just sat around and talked with. I got to see Linda and Dan. Linda was a professor at Ball State who went blind later in life. Carlos and I would go out drinking with her some back in the day. Real quick my favorite Linda story has to go on here and this is a great time to tell it. We went out for her birthday and we all had several drinks. We call a cab to take all of us home. Linda has hearing issues also which makes her orientation a bit tricky. So she starts climbing in to the cab and she has her butt on the dash and says so. The cab driver goes honey you can sit in here any way you need lol. I still tease her about sitting the wrong way. Seeing Dan was cool he has gotten Parkinson’s and that was tough for me to see. Dan was a handy man good with his hands and a hard worker. Now he told me he doesn’t have the energy and has the shakes and fatigue which is difficult for him. It was nice sitting with them and made me reminisce on hanging out with them at Carlos and I’s apartment many years ago.

Seeing my uncles and Ants also was really good. Were not a huge family in that a lot of my childhood I’d see them a lot. I wish we could have had all of my cousins and had them there, but Abby and I wanted to try and do something but not spend tons of money.

Anyway the night before I got about 2 to 3 hours sleep. I went to Denny’s room and I sat up joking with him, Rachael, Bridget, and Phil. I used to play dolls with Rachael now she is about to drive, and she is turning in to a nice young lady. Man where the hell does time go?

I went back to Phil’s room and slept on the couch. Before falling asleep we showed each other some electronic gadgets. The couch was short, so my legs kept falling off. Anyway in the morning I woke up and went to my mom and dads room. We had breakfast as a family which was really fun.

The minutes counting down to the wedding were nerve racking. I remember pacing a bit, and just ready to get to it. Once Abby walked down I settled in. The ceremony felt like it took a while, but viewing a video later it was only 13 minutes or so.

The reception went really well. I was starting to feel the fatigue a bit, but I think I saw everyone at least twice. Jenny told me I had to cop a feel of Abby’s dress cause by that point I still hadn’t. On the way home I looked at it man those things are so cool. Being blind I haven’t really seen them much, and all of the fabric is just incredible to feel.

For the honeymoon we went to Chicago. Abby hadn’t been to a Major League Baseball game so we wanted to go see the Cubs. My grandpa took me to a game in 2001, and I’ve visited a few times over the years, and being there is just a great feeling. I will never forget her first reaction to the stadium. We got out of the cab and were about a half block from it. We encountered a bunch of people right away and she grabbed on to me tight, and kind of froze on locked in to the sound of the organ playing and all of the crowd noise. I said honey we have to move and she said wow this so busy. When we travel together even though she has a dog I get in front with my cane and she hangs on to my shoulder. We do this, because if she were to use Bancroft I would never find her again. A lot of people assume that Bancroft guides both of us which really isn’t the case. It really is hard for them to guide two people because they really only clear for one so it’s a bit dangerous to try that. Anyway I got to the gate and asked for assistance to will call to pick up the tickets. This guy John helped us. Man he was so good. He got us to will call and then to the team store, and then to our seats. He came back in the 7th to see if we wanted to stay or not. The game went in to extra innings and the Cubs won in a walk off. John helped us get to a street that wasn’t blocked off to catch a cab out of there back to the hotel. This was useful so that the next day I would know where we could do so. I think if we were there more Abby and I could get out on our own like we do with the Bats here at home.

One thing we did when are first night was we went to navy peer. I had always wanted to go, and so we took a Lyft over to it. I used my GPS app, and also Aira the service I’ve talked about her before. We took an architecture boat tour where you get on a sailboat and go on to Lake Michigan and can view the skyline. Okay I will stop there. Most of you may be like what the hell do blind people get from this? Actually I just wanted the boat ride. Lol the wind and smell of the lake were so nice. However with Aira I had the lady take pictures and she also described some of the views for Abby and I and that ended up being nice. After we got done with the tour we walked to the gift shop. It took us a bit, because the gift shop ended up being inside what I would call a small mall building. When asking sighted folks along the way they made it sound like it would be a little store on the peer if that makes sense? It ended up being us walking threw McDonald’s in to a small mall lol but we found it. The lady in the gift shop was so great about explaining the different souvenir’s we could get. I think this the hardest part it’s not like online shopping you have to really ask whaat do you have? The hard part is whenever doing this people tell you what they see they like not what you may want. I think that is where online shopping is so great. Me myself can find what I want it has drawbacks though because sometimes an item feels different than I would have pictured lol.

One night we went out for pizza, but the place had a hour wait, and we both got cold. I said we need to find some other place. Abby pulled up a few places on swarm and we settled on a place called Bottled Blonde. We walked about 2 blocks and found it. Oh my gosh this place was like a night club I would have visited in college. The music was loud, and rather than tables and chairs we sat on a couch and had a coffee table in front of us. I told her I didn’t realize were going to visit a night club on our honeymoon. The pizza ended up being good and I had an Oldstyle so it was fine. Afterwords I said lets take a Uber to Shakeshack. In the Uber we told him it was our honeymoon and Abby hadn’t ever had it before. I had in NJ last year gettting Frasier. I forgot we were in Chicago and nothing has a drive through so he parked his car on the side of the curb and went in with us. I told him we were fine, but he said he wanted to buy us shakes for our honeymoon. I was so worried about the car would it get toed? He said it would be about a 50% chance which didn’t make me feel any better. Anyway we got back and the car was still there. I got to say the Uber drivers were so kind and we had so much fun with them. We took both Lyft and Uber and they’re so nice. I tipped him nice, because he didn’t have to do that and we weren’t wanting him to go above and beyond like that.

We took the subway in to the game on Sunday which that was fun. I love taking the trains and subways when we can since we don’t have them in Louisville. When we got off at the Wrigley stop it was so crowded. I got us to a broken escalator going up we walked up, but then hit a massive line of people. A guy asked us if we were going to the ball park? I said yes, and he said grab my elbow. He took us right up to the gate but helped us weave through the crowd. That was such a cool experience to do it like someone who lived there. Saturday we did the tour of Wrigley and we got to go on the field. It also gave Abby a chance to feel how big the stadium was.

By the end of our trip we missed home. Everywhere you go you encounter people or horns it’s just so much more easy going at home. I love the bustle, but it does get fatiguing after a few days. Overall though it was a wonderful trip and something I know we will reflect on for years to come. One more thing I was surprised the hotel didn’t’t have Braille in the elevator. We got a tour of the place a few times. We learned where the buttons were after a few times messing up, but it shocked me that they wouldn’t have them. We’re in downtown Chicago!

Frasier and his new home.

The last few days have been hard I won’t lie. We will end positive, but to get there it’ll take a bit. Going back to Thursday I stayed home with Frasier I also did Friday. The trainer from the Seeing-Eye came out and got the harness to take back with him. He told me once Frasier relaxed I see why you like him. We talked about the process of reapplying for a dog, something as of now I’m not ready to do. After he left the next day or so basically I spent playing with him and petting him as much as I could. Emotions were hard I cried, smiled when he was being silly, sad when he’d lay on my feet at night as I watched baseball, and just depression as I realized time kept moving. I thought of keeping him ourselves, but what kind of life is that for him? Abby and Bancroft would leave every morning and then I would leaving him home for the day. Could he get used to it maybe, but he is used to going with me and being able to be out.

One thing I really loved about the 2 dog chemistry we had was Abby would go be with Bancroft and I would stay up watching a game or listening to music. Frasier would stay with me and usually be in touching distance of my feet or be on them. Eventually I would go in to bed and Frasier would follow me in and lay down on his bed on the floor beside me. Last night I missed him being on my feet or following me around. I think I am experiencing empty nest syndrome or something similar.

Frasier in the mornings was something really sweet. He was so adorable. Usually he’d wake me up if I slept in. He loved his routine of going out at 6 and eating after that. On a weekend if I missed that he would start nudging me at 6:50, and he may even jump on me by 7 if I didn’t pay him any attention. He didn’t really like beds much, but he would cuddle for a bit if I didn’t want to get up. Also when it was just me or if I was sick he’d lay beside me all night and never move. I got pretty sick pretty recently and slept in the guest room, and Frasier came in and curled up behind me keeping me warm all night I had chills so this was welcomed. I’m not a big dog in bed guy, but Robin did it towards the end of her career and Bancroft has always been up there so it’s warmed me up a bit on it.

Anyway one thing he does is he yawns a lot and gives kisses so much during the morning. I tried to enjoy these things a lot the last two days. He would let out such a pretty cry if I wasn’t moving fast enough to take him out. Thankfully I recorded one of them recently and I listen to it when I start to miss him. Since I can’t see pictures it helps. I recorded Robin’s bark and her eating one of the last days she was here I listen to those also from time to time it helps me think of them and smile.

When we got back from dropping Frasier off Bancroft kept looking for him. He sniffed rugs looked out the window stood sort of confused and finally he came over and smelled me. It’s weird, but the whole family is grieving Abby, Bancroft, and I all miss him. It’s so quiet here now, and we feel like most parents probably do when kids go to college. Every day for the last 7 months I’ve cared for him taken care of him, played with him, and now he isn’t there and it’s weird.

I flashed back to when I brought him home. I dropped his leash for a second to bring my suite case in from outside, and he discovered the toy box. He was so happy with himself. Every chance he got he would grab a toy out and squeak it.

Saturday came and the time arrived to take Frasier to his new home. I grabbed his food box, and he knew something was happening. I think he picked up on feelings from us plus Abby and I didn’t really leave him alone the last 3 days lol. The Lyft came and I put the food box inside. Abby and I also packed a box of things Frasier loved plus some things I thought Jerry and Lee might like to have to help them along in having a dog. Abby packed toys he likes like a football, baseball, bear, and jolly ball. I packed a brush, leash, gentle leader, and his bed. He asl got a frog named Darwin recently from JW Pets he loves it. He would put his paw on it well we couldn’t find him as we were leaving I found him when I got home and was sad. I ordered him a new one and sent it to Jerry and Lee’s house so he could have Darwin home. Bancroft doesn’t really like it, so when we go to visit we will take the original Darwin.

Anyway the Lyft driver was really friendly. He had dogs and had a puppy mat. I never let Frasier be on the seat if I can help it, but since he had the mat and this was are last car trip together I thought what the hell. Frasier put his head near the AC vent and loved the AC blowing on him. Then he put his head over on my lap and just let me pet him. Once we turned on to Jerry and Lee’s road he started to wine. He knew where we were. I got out of the car and he started to pull me towards the fenced in yard. Once we got in the gate I let him go, and he ran 4 laps really fast. He was so excited. That did my heart some good. Seeing how happy he was helped me with knowing he will do well here. I think he is just more of a country dog than a city dog.

We went inside and I explained some of the commands he knows to Jerry and Lee. They’re going through change also. They haven’t had a dog in a while so I’m sure there nervous and excited too. He did well with Jerry seemed to be patient as Jerry put the gentle leader on him.

Then it was time to leave. I told him to do well with Jerry and Lee, and that he was a good boy. I told him he was a great guid, and thanked him for his service. He tried to follow me out the door. I didn’t want to make a huge deal about leaving him, because I wanted him to think this is normal they’ll be back. The Lyft ride home I slept I hadn’t done done that well the past few nights.

We have texted Jerry and Lee some and he is doing well. Again I smile when I read the texts. I am trying not to bother them to much I want them to enjoy him and I want to give them some space. It’s hard though waking up today without him stil felt tough. I don’t have to wonder where he is which is great, but I do wonder what he is doing? Abby has been talking to Lee and Frasier has been doing well this morning. He got up and ran around the yard for an hour and than ate his breakfast. Lee said he is now tired and just watching Jerry. It makes me smile that he is settling in so well. He will be a great dog for them. I love hearing from them, and I know Abby is too.

Last night Lee texted me and said he was down for the night. He is going to have such a great life out there. I couldn’t have left him with any better of a family or people. I told them I really want him to become there dog. I’ll be the annoying grandparent now who will come by bring caffeine spoil him and then leave. They both are so happy, and Frasier is really happy being there also I could tell. All the signs are there that this should work well. They will spoil him too, and he will have a great life with them.

It’s been a long few days, but I am thankful I know where he is, and I know he is happy. You should have seen and heard him just running in that yard. Jerry told me he walked him to the mailbox and back he told me he pulled a bit going, but didn’t on the way back. I think as they do this more he will pull less, and they’ll have fun together.

I took my cane out to a pizza place last night. Abby’s friend from college wrote a book, and we went out to support her, and also so I could meet them. It was fun. It’s different with a cane. With the dog you can say outside and they will move towards a door. You know the general direction and the dog does the rest. Man with a cane it doesn’t do shit when you say outside. I kept bumping tables, and chairs. I think overall though for not using it much the last several months I did well. On Monday we will see. On my way to work I have to cross train tracks, and with Frasier we just went up and over them no problem, but with a cane it won’t be as easy. I’m sure you will hear about it.

Wrapping up sorry this one was all over the place. Grieving is hard I think I am on stage 3, but hearing the text updates helps so much. I am glad Dogs don’t grieve us the way we grieve them. Knowing he’s playing with his toys running in the yard or just watching Jerry makes me smile. Abby and I will both for the next few days cry when we step on one of his toys he left around, or a memory, but we both know we did the best we could do for him.

One of the best thanksgivings in a long time and it’s okay if you pity me if you give me free booze.

I was so tired when I wrote that last message, because I was anticipating what the buffet would be like. To give you an idea I went to sleep around 9 o’clock Wednesday evening woke up around one and could not sleep again until about 9 o’clock Thursday morning. I got about two hours sleep before I went and took a shower. just like Robin I anticipate a lot it makes sense that I got her. we fit each other’s personalities pretty easily. I have to honestly say I haven’t had that much fun in a long time. I rarely get to be around families so that was a cool experience. A lot of the people I know have really young kids or none. I really just like the conversation. I haven’t done the buffet thing in a long time in a setting like that, so I was pretty nervous as I said before. Once you get your food it’s kind of like a free-for-all whatever you get on your fork is what you get so that was a little difficult and stressful but it worked out. I think honestly I just overthink everything and overanalyze everything and it makes things exhausting. As I’ve gotten older though it is strange things that used to never bug me or I would never think about tend to stick out. for example I wonder how I look eating Two other people that’s something that would never bothered me before. It’s not just this time so I don’t want Leslie to be offended it’s happened a lot probably in the last two years. When I go out with someone new or meet a new friend or whatever the case may be I get a little apprehensive. no one wants to be out with a slob you know? It’s not that I’m messy when I eat by myself or anything it’s just I’m a lot less tactful. I think one thing that kind of makes it harder for me is I learned everything in public school so I had a teacher that would teach me braille or Atticus see but not in the same manner they would add a blind school. I think in certain situations I wish I had gone to a blind school for a period of time to learn little things I learned on my own. for example my parents never showed me how to use a knife I taught myself so I probably don’t do it correctly but it gets the damn job done. The same was shaving even the older I get I feel razors get shittier. I think mine has 10 blades on it but it cuts worse than One with one. I remember being like 15 and just telling myself I’m going to use a razor and cut my facial hair. It was pretty much common sense I don’t remember anything crazy happening.

Anyway back to dinner so it went really well and I really enjoyed spending time with them. I enjoy them for giving me the opportunity to share the holiday with. It definitely made it enjoyable and not so lonely.

Today I went to the Kentucky Louisville game Neil came in town for their family stuff today and we met up for the game. What a game! Louisville starting quarterback went down so they went to their third string quarterback and he had a heck of a game! Neel and I played basketball and it went pretty well I was going for the ball though once and I kind of fell over a picnic table bench. it bruised up my kneecaps a little but I’m okay. that’s what happens with friends when something at first happens they verbally tell you everything then when you get to know someone it becomes funny when you fall over something. I have to agree. and meals the fence he really wasn’t paying attention when I was doing.

I’ve often commented hear about my irritation about accessible things when it comes to television. through the application tunein Radio you can listen to what’s called blindy.tv. It is basically shows that have audio description of what’s going on I don’t listen to it much but today I got to hear an episode of South Park with description which was pretty interesting. There are just things I will never understand about the United States we can have all this freedom but yet where controlled a lot by media companies and big business which dictates lack of freedom in certain cases. I am overall thankful to be from here I just don’t understand the lack of progression on services such as audio description. I don’t mind watching television without audio description but I just find certain shows more enjoyable with it. Especially when I’m alone. by now I really should have the option and shouldn’t have to seek out underground projects to get it. For example even program such as Netflix just added programs for the hearing impaired but no audio description for the blind I just don’t get it. Why in the video market are we so limited and often times left out?

I talked to Taylor Thursday night and I told her that I wasn’t interested in a relationship I just wanted to be friends if she could do that. I really do enjoy her company as far as going shopping and getting things that are difficult to get online. I did try to go shoe shopping on my own and the sales lady was like what do you want what color I really have no idea. when she offered it just made sense I made things a lot easier.

One more thing about the game Neil often is my pilot when we go somewhere random so he doesn’t get a drink, but since we stayed in Louisville his wife drop us off at the game so we were able to go tailgating. Since it was Louisville Kentucky I wanted to experience that. It’s crazy 10 years ago I probably would’ve fallen asleep somewhere Random, but now I wanted to remember things it’s weird how you progress. haha I was pretty stupid back in my younger days. One great thing about being blind though is a lot of times people give you free alcohol which is great so thank you! i’m sure if I were a beautiful woman this would be an every day occurrence I’m not either one of those things so i’ll take your pity for free booze and that’s my great advice for the day. I don’t think everyone who gives me free alcohol pities me that’s not what I’m trying to say but they don’t offer it to everyone and it’s very ironic they offer it to the person with a disability but you know I’m not complaining. it’s just something I noticed over the years.

Thanksgiving, Kentucky Louisville game, and a few other thoughts.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and your families! The holidays since I’ve moved to Kentucky have been a little weird because I have to work the day before and day after usually so I haven’t really been able to go home on the actual holiday since I’ve moved. Last Christmas eve I worked in Lexington on the radio and watched home alone. you know is crazy about that day is I just wanted some damn Papa John’s on Christmas and I thought I could obtain that goal but I could not so I sat at home alone and ate some shitty TV dinner. I’m independent though so I guess that’s something. haha

Today I’m going downtown and eating at a restaurant with my friend Leslie and her children. I’m looking forward to but I’m nervous about the fact it’s a buffet. I think I’ve written about them before whenever I have to go outside my comfort zone anymore especially I really don’t like that. Buffets present this challenge to me that I just don’t like. I’m trying to work through it so I’m sure it will be fun. I’m excited to meet her family.

Saturday I’m going to the Kentucky Louisville game and I was speaking to Taylor and I said I might wear my Louisville had a Kentucky shirt. In my last post I said I root for Louisville more which is true I just really want the state to do well either way but I will be rooting for Louisville. This lad Taylor to say things like this just proves you can’t commit to someone. So I like the game of football and basketball and just because I have clothing from both teams means I have commitment issues? In my life I’ve made a lot of mistakes I’ve allowed jealousy to ruin a great relationship and friendship and I’ve learned from that. I don’t really know why things happen the way they do, but I feel you have to grow from every experience. i’ve never cheated on anyone because I know how that feels and I wouldn’t do that. However that being said I’ve stumbled upon something recently that I’m working on or trying to work through I guess. I’m not sure I really like myself or that I love myself if that makes sense? I don’t know there’s a lot of reasons things I don’t want to get into right now but I’m just trying to get to a point where I feel okay. I feel like things I phot to not become I’ve become. Recently I’ve become agitated with my blindness and I feel a little bitter which I’ve never wanted it just sort of has happened. I think when I first started this blog I wrote I used to think one day with my blindness I would just completely understand everything but I don’t think that’s the case probably because of society pressures culture and other factors you always will be dealing with something related to it.

I think she read this blog but whatever it hasn’t stop me from saying something before. lol The other night Taylor asked me if I would like to date again and I’m torn. The last time she broke up with me to go back out with an ex-boyfriend and that did not work out. I promise you since I’ve bought my house I’ve really not hung out with any women at all I get in this routine when I come home fall sleep on the couch going to work and do the same routine again. Occasionally I will have a bourbon or beer. I’ve been reading a lot and reminiscing on old memories and I’m not sure if I really want a relationship at this point. I don’t know really where the silver lining will be I’m sure I will find it in a weird way lately it’s with Kentucky sports radio and my Sonos. oh and Olivia Munn. I saw her on the newsroom recently and wow. you’re probably asking yourself what it is or how I can find someone attractive without seeing them and I don’t really know it’s just the way she carries herself I guess. I was working with the show a year ago well not really a year ago I guess like eight months ago and my whole goal was for them to be more fan friendly and they just never got it. If you can make haters listen to your show you have it going on. some people just don’t get that. anyway sorry I got off point. well I lost it so I guess I’ll save it for another day. I will write about my buffet experience the game maybe a party I’m going to tomorrow night so if I’m not into much pain on Sunday expect a post. I’m hoping to throw some darts this weekend I was talking about it with someone at work recently I love that game I’ve already lost my eyes so whatever. cheap blind joke ring the bell. Have a happy Thanksgiving and stay safe.

Struggles with mortgage

With this buying a condo adventure I’ve gone through a lot of ups and downs which I hear is pretty normal. My friend Jerry told me that he’s never had a property he’s bought that he didn’t doubt for a second. I probably would feel better if I could read everything that I’ve signed but unfortunately due to technology I still can’t. Ultimately I just keep hoping that I didn’t do something dumb but my anxiety is through the roof. I have gone back-and-forth on my decision a thousand times as the time gets nearer to sign the mortgage I get even more nervous. Last night my anxiety hit a pretty high I think I’m okay now. It’s just such a huge investment I’ve put so much thought into it everything in life is a gamble and I feel I’m making the ultimate one. It’s funny I do worry about the blind unemployment rate because what if I lose my job yes that can happen to anyone but I can’t go work at a 7-Eleven as easily as you can. I still feel I’m making the best choice but I’m just really nervous.

My apartment is pretty much packed up a eating off Styrofoam plates and plastic cups which is a lot of fun. Last weekend my parents sister my niece and nephew came down to help me pack. My niece is getting so old or maybe that’s me. I can’t believe she is six! She’s kind of understanding my blindness now. I was able to show her what brail look like and she thought that was pretty neat. She sat on my lap and I looked at her ears and asked where her earrings were? She said when I get big like you uncle Joe I can have earrings again. I really enjoy spending time with her it’s amazing how big they get quickly

The vacation is over sort of

When I started writing this blog I felt I could be real and speak honestly about blind issues and just life as how I see it. I believe the last several posts I really haven’t been myself. The last week or so I’ve just wanted some privacy to work on some things in my life. When you talk about stories from your past sometimes they can become haunting. Then when family members figure out your blog address it can become even worse. haha I want to dive into a topic today touched on a lot but I will make myself more vulnerable than ever and speak Freear than I’ve ever spoken about it. It’s easy for people to tell you to just move on or let it go but when it is the common perception it’s very difficult.

I remember being 13 we would go every year to the fair or two these lamb shows. You got to be around the same group of people because after all 4-H is a club. I remember even back then feeling different not quite the same as everyone else. If you will that people viewed my abilities different from others. I’ve never been able to see myself so obviously you have to have a little self-confidence I’m probably ugly as shit but I don’t know that so I try and walk around positive. I really am a half glass full thinker. I remember one day talking to a friend of mine at the fair about asking another girl out and she told me the following she said to me that she had talk to this girl and she didn’t want to date me because of how people would view her for dating someone blind. Now I know you will think that that is shallow and ridiculous but this repeated offense keeps following me around to a degree. It happens to others as well it’s something I talk about with my friends quite often. Obviously at the end of the day there’s nothing I can do but this thought process troubles me. There are people that get it but when dating your selection is narrowed quite a bit. Again I could subscribe to the thought that I’m just ugly as shit but I don’t think that’s all of it it probably contributes to 75% of my rejections but I still think there is something else. I’ve done well for myself I live alone I can support others but yet somehow I’m not that desirable to many women. I do tend to wear my heart on my sleeve but again getting that first date getting to that point where they won’t even look at you as a candidate is so difficult when you can’t see. My teenage years are full of these stories and then it’s followed me into the 20s and probably the 30s until I find a girl in rehab who need someone to help her finance her habits. Alright that was a bad joke I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night.

My parents always installed the belief to me that one day they will be gone so I need to be self-sufficient and take care of myself. I guess I’ve done pretty well at that. My sister lives an hour and a half away from me the only times I’ve seen her is when she comes with my parents. When I talk to my family we talked mainly about them or a little bit about work for me but no one really has any idea of how I live day today that’s one reason I thought about this blog. The last two years I haven’t been home for any major holiday I’ve hardly been home at all. I remember before I move to Louisville I was met with all this opposition like why are you going to leave Munssee your stupid you should just stay where you are. I wanted to leave and experience something different plus Muncie only really have Ball State so if you don’t work there it’s hard to find a job. When I moved I sold a show to MLB network intern with the tigers and I’m making about 15,000 more than I would’ve in Muncie. Creatively for me I needed to get somewhere new and start my adult life if that makes any sense like for me Muncey was my college life.

Going back to where I started a number coming home when you’re from college for summer break and I went to a football game at my old high school. I ran into an old friend and he asked me what I was doing so I told them I was a freshman at Ball State. He actually said the following to me really that’s amazing we thought you would just sit around and play video games the rest of your life. Again that perception that somehow were weaker or we possibly can’t make something from ourselves. I guess the thing for me is so many people that I hung around on a personal level from kindergarten expected so little from me that’s quite haunting for me. My friend Charles who moved it in the eighth grade got to know me and he never had any of these perceptions that’s what’s weird for me to understand how certain people can just get it and 99% of others can’t. Maybe because I wear my heart on my sleeve or whatever I just start to realize how fake a lot of people are or how shallow people can be. People still ask me to this day why I go to baseball games when I could just watch them on the radio excuse me listen. I’m amazed I even have to answer that question but it’s why people do anything for the experience there’s nothing like being somewhere live. Part of me wonders when people ask that is that more of a question as to why am I putting myself out in public? I was reading an article on Isaiah Austin on Thursday was a Baylor center going to the NBA draft who is blind in one eye when teams learned that he was blind in one eye is draft stock fell tremendously. He’s had a great college career and is playing through his blindness but somehow teams feel he’s less than someone with two eyes. Maybe that’s where my thought perception is these days and ultimately me being myself I can only control so much but there are a lot of people that devalue me because I have no site and that’s just the way it is.

In the past week I’ve thought a lot about do I want to continue riding in this blog and being so honest with my thoughts? It took me a while but I realized with this blog we’ve touched countries that have way worse perceptions than America about blind people. Places where blind people are denied adequate education and maybe one day one person that reads this will make a difference. Doing this mortgage has taught me a lot a lot of files are still incompatible and not working by now to me any PDF file should be readable for us but they aren’t. I’ve gotten some help signing documents as well as reading them at night since my iPhone and computer won’t. I had a brilliant idea on how to tie this altogether but I lost it so now this whole post just looks like me complaining.

I think overall right now I’m probably going through a stage of depression. This week I’ve been working my two jobs and sleeping and occasionally throwing in a little baseball. And life I think we can all make mistakes I make them on a daily basis. Where I work the two sides look identical so once in a while I’ll accidentally walked into the other side and go to sit at my desk and realized wait this isn’t my desk. Mel told me she made the same mistake once. I think as I get older that’s what I learned even though I’m blind you have to look past that and realize everyone makes mistakes. I wasn’t throwing you under the bus Mel I was actually saying here that you taught me a valuable lesson. If you toss away the things you see such as race disability what you have left is the fact that were human. We’re not really that different but because not even 1% of people are blind there’s just unawareness about it. That sometimes gets lost from my point of view since I’m blind. Being blind as a part of me it does contribute to who IM but it’s not all that IM. Some people may look at me and say why don’t you fight more for yourself or why don’t you protect yourself more but you know I get tired of doing that I get tired of fighting for rights that we should already have. Not being blind or not having a disability of any kind is easy for you because no one is telling you you can’t go somewhere because you have a service animal. You don’t get the notion to want to go somewhere but then in the back of your mind say what if I can’t get home what if I’m denied a ride? You look at my Lyft situation I reported to three different news companies and nothing is going to be done about it other than the fact I got a free ride. They aren’t going to train their drivers any better or train themselves on the law it’s just going to keep happening until more get involved. People actually told me after that happened that they didn’t realize it was a law that they have to take a service animal they cannot deny them arrive. I do think therapy dogs and things like that have to be reevaluated because people try and sneak them in the places when they are not service animals and that is blackening my situation. At the end of the day you’re not going to look through my eyes as much as I see how you get around because you don’t have to deal with it like I do. I read in the Washington Post how blind people when taking service animals and look at housing are denied or the apartment complex all the sudden doesn’t have room for them but that’s just a minor story I look at our unemployment rate again a minor story it’s just so baffling to me.

When I find someone that can look past or treat me like a normal person it’s difficult to lose that. I think everyone deserves a second chance we all make mistakes but there also has to be healing that goes along with that. I’ll just leave that thought there.

Conceding

It’s been a while but buying a house and some other news I’ve received recently have been distracting me from the blog. Yesterday I went to Jim Patterson Stadium and watch regional action for the college World Series. I hung out with the scout the Detroit tigers that I met a year ago. It was pretty neat I love listening to his insight. When I told him I was going to buy a house here he said you’re going to settle down? He said that regardless of how things turn out or what happened I would’ve been a great broadcaster and would have been a great asset Detroit and he was sad that I didn’t go. That was really nice of him to say.

I discovered this application called sports betting for the iPhone which allows you to play with fake money. It is my new crack. It links you to a website that allows you to play for real money and Erica help me sign up for it yesterday. I won $18 on the Spurs I placed the $30 that I now have 48. Thank you San Antonio an old man river walk.

My mom came into town Wednesday and Thursday so I enjoyed spending time with her and my grandma. I haven’t really seen them since Christmas they did stop in for about two hours in April but it was good to have a lot more time with her.

I put a offer in on a house and they counter offered so were just negotiating now. I’m learning patients through this process and I’ve even thought to myself and I’m making the right choice, but when I got home from the game yesterday I wanted to sit outside and my neighbors were smoking above me and there were people right to my left and in front of me no privacy. Long story short I will enjoy more piece from the condo.

I went over to Erika’s last night to watch the game and that’s where I remain stuck out here in the country. My plan was to go to the Kentucky game, but that quickly got shot down while texting her this morning. I was going to buy her a manicure and pedicure so I could go to the game but she did not want to do that. Instead I conceded to going swimming at her house, sitting on the swing and talking because we need to do that some more, and she said she would let me paint her nails! I asked her what I get in this exchange and the text messages stopped for about an hour. I finally wrote her and said I love you sounds like a great plan. She responded with that she was busy and she knew I was just playing which is mostly true. She is bringing back some sonic for me my favorite banana shake so that makes my day. I would’ve like to go to the Kentucky game today, but nothing really does beat just hanging out and enjoying someone’s company I’m growing pretty soft. I am looking forward to painting her nails I’ve never done that before so it could be interesting. I feel like that’s kind of a romantic thing sort of.

Hurdles!

Tonight I told my grandparents I was dating someone. The first question they asked was is she sighted? The second question was does she have a car? Don’t worry I wrote them all down. The third question was what is her name? Fourth question is what does she do? I swear to God that was the order of the conversation we had. I don’t know why it still bothers me, but I don’t look at women like that. I’m a little upset so I don’t know if I can put into words how exactly I’m feeling, but it’s a weird feeling. I’ve been gone 10 years, and yet their faith in blind people has not changed. I don’t ask for any financial help, and they help support others more than me. Yet more often than not I get this feeling that I got tonight we don’t have to worry someone can drive you and take care of you. Erica is coming over soon so hopefully I don’t do anything to push her away, but this really frustrates me it’s a hurdle I’ve always had to figure out. It’s not her fault no that’s not what I’m trying to say, but it’s more like the way they see me is how I interpret how she should see me if that makes any sense.

When I was younger I remember saying things like I don’t know how blind people could get to a point in their life where they are so angry. I used to think they should just accept it and move on. As I get older I realize blindness is something I can except but it never just goes away. What I’ve noticed about being home lately is I didn’t realize how tired I was from traveling, and since I stopped I feel so much more clear. i’m sleeping whole nights, and I feel healthier. To be honest I delete this paragraph but I’m too lazy I really have no idea where the hell I was going with that thought.

I called because my grandpa is sick, and I know there’s not a lot of times I will be able to talk to him in the future. I just don’t know how to deal with this, or interpret it. Obviously I know this doesn’t have to impact my relationship with Erica, but it opens up my flaws. My grandma made a comment to me after I told her she was sided and she said oh you’re finally learning. For real? The last two girls I’ve dated have been cited, and guess what they did not and so well. Anyway I’m not really sure why I came here, but I just want to show you on a whole how the world works. This is exactly why feel I have to kill a grizzly bear when I meet a girl’s parents, because my own family doesn’t understand after all these years.

Second family

In high school I had a friend named Brandon. We became really close, and at times I would spend more time at his place than mine. His family loved me, and they pretty much adopted me. When Robin got sick I contacted Dan to say hi. Dan is Brandon’s dad. I got a little home sick for the first time in a while. I haven’t seen Dan or Brandon since 2011 right before I moved here. With my career I’ve been flying and traveling everywhere but home. My grandpa’s sick as well, so I really hate the fact I can’t just get home that easily. Being blind I love the transportation I have here in Louisville, because I have an airport and bus station. When I lived at home I had to depend on my parents or brother and sister to take me anywhere. After I left high school I became much more independent. That’s probably why I struggle with it so much, is because I’ve not always had it. The country is a completely different experience. I love the country and would choose it over the city, but transportation is nonexistent, so I will never get that opportunity.

Back to my story though. I remember one comment Dan made to me about the fifth time I spent the night. He said when Brandon told me you were coming over I wasn’t Shure if the house had the right handicap accessibility. I asked him what he meant and he said we don’t have any ramps or anything. I found that odd, but at the same time they’ve never met anyone blind. He said you get around here better than me. As time grew we became closer and closer. Brandon and I would play videogames in the basement, and watch a lot of movies. I really felt part of their family, and even when I call now I just enjoy hearing how they’re doing. During my year without work I’d call Dan and he would tell me that someone will give me a chance just keep trying. It kind of lifted me up when I kept hearing no from employers.

Brandon and I would play videogames a lot as I mentioned earlier. I remember the first time I beat him in football he shut off the game before I got the official win. We were pretty even when it came to playing all though he probably won more. We would play baseball a lot as well. They had a basketball hoop in there drive way so on nice days we’d play basketball.

His sister Brittany was a little younger than us, but Dan always thought it would be great if we dated. One day we went to a play and we decided to play a joke on him. We came home and we told him we were dating. He was so happy. We let him believe that for about 2 weeks, and finally we told him the truth. He still kids me about it today. Brandon stayed pretty far away from that one.

I’m hoping to go home in June or July for a weekend and say hi. Unfortunately to see Brandon I would have to go to Wisconsin, so that is out of the picture. He has a child now, and I hope to meet him one day. We text, but we both stay way to busy. I know I’m a lot different of a person than I was back then, because I can get out and do things on my own. Having to depend on people for rides, or just not having the confidence to go somewhere alone has changed the most. Anyway I thought it was long overdue to write a peace about them. I love them all, and I’m glad they invited me in so easily to their family.