First of off I don’t know why cave city is on Central time that’s my first complaint. That meant I had to wait an extra hour until dinosaur world opened up today. Haha a huge inconvenience. I’m just kidding! Last night we ended up roasting marshmallows doing a hayride and even helping out with face painting some of the children that were at the camp. This little six-year-old Jordan love Robin and he allowed me to paint his face I just made some circles and told a few stories that made him laugh. His family is from Tennessee and we sat around the fire talking a lot with them. Before we left today one of the members from the campground came up to us and said I don’t think anyone has ever had a good a time as you guys.
Dinosaur world was great! I’m going to tell you the reason why and it’s really just one reason. They had statues of life like dinosaurs that I could touch. When I was a kid I used to have toy dinosaurs where I can sort of see their shape but this was unbelievable. When I was touching them I couldn’t help but remember what it was like just being a kid it was great. I can really only relate this to one other story in my life. I remember going to a national Federation for the blind conference in Atlanta when I was probably 17. They have this really cool thing where they had a taxidermy area with different animals you could feel their shapes and what they would look like. I grew up on a farm so in that sense I was blessed of knowing how goats, cows, lambs, and etc. looked. However even for me I remember being able to feeling owl and a hawk and being amazed at how they look. They also have things like and alligators mouth which is pretty incredible because I voice heard about alligators but never knew exactly how they look. When people would describe them I wasn’t sure if they were more like a snake or more like a mammal if that makes any kind of sense. It was neat being able to touch one. A lot of the people there I remember had no idea what birds look like or a goat and I thought that was neat that I had a concept of what those things were. Being able to touch the dinosaurs today and interact like that was so awesome!
Today we went to Mammoth Cave and went zip lining. I didn’t know what to expect and I was quite surprised on how it works. The helmet and leg straps caught me offguard for some reason. The fastest we went today was around 36 mph. The sound the zip line mix is kind of interesting it was pretty windy but that felt good because it was pretty damn hot. I fake Thomas out because I read up on what we were zip lining over and I would make comments like that’s a nice rock pattern or something to that effect. I would definitely do it again but next I want to try bungee jumping! I got a rush a few times and I definitely like the freeness of it my body would sometimes turn it felt like but that I would straighten out it was pretty cool.
I just played Thomas and putt putt and beat him! I laughed and said do you have any athletic ability at all? I had no idea how the whole was set up I just would hit the ball and make jokes as we walk to it. Tomorrow I want to stop by dinosaur world is corneous it sounds. I heard they have life-size statues and I’m curious to see them. We are staying at the campground and we got a little trouble with the golf cart I decided to drive and apparently someone didn’t like that too well. We got a long lecture about how this is a family campground and we need to act accordingly. Tonight we have to work on some radio stuff but I’m hoping to roast some marshmallows and enjoy the evening. Thomas is wife has been keeping Robin most of the day she didn’t want to zip line or anything so that worked out pretty well. I think in a few minutes for me to go on a hayride take me back to my farm roots.
I spoke to my contact with the Tigers today and it looks like I’m going there for July 4! I can’t wait I don’t know what I canning can’t say about my friend but he’s been really good to me. I was reading a biography on Harry K announcer for the Philadelphia Phillies he got his start in radio and love for the game when doing a rain delay someone pulled him in the dugout and let him hang with the team when he was 10 years old. I asked my friend if we could bring two children into the dugout and make their day and just maybe one day I’ll sit around the radio or television and hear them broadcast with the same love that Harry had that’s how the field of dreams would work anyway. Haha I really love the game of baseball!
When I started writing this blog I felt I could be real and speak honestly about blind issues and just life as how I see it. I believe the last several posts I really haven’t been myself. The last week or so I’ve just wanted some privacy to work on some things in my life. When you talk about stories from your past sometimes they can become haunting. Then when family members figure out your blog address it can become even worse. haha I want to dive into a topic today touched on a lot but I will make myself more vulnerable than ever and speak Freear than I’ve ever spoken about it. It’s easy for people to tell you to just move on or let it go but when it is the common perception it’s very difficult.
I remember being 13 we would go every year to the fair or two these lamb shows. You got to be around the same group of people because after all 4-H is a club. I remember even back then feeling different not quite the same as everyone else. If you will that people viewed my abilities different from others. I’ve never been able to see myself so obviously you have to have a little self-confidence I’m probably ugly as shit but I don’t know that so I try and walk around positive. I really am a half glass full thinker. I remember one day talking to a friend of mine at the fair about asking another girl out and she told me the following she said to me that she had talk to this girl and she didn’t want to date me because of how people would view her for dating someone blind. Now I know you will think that that is shallow and ridiculous but this repeated offense keeps following me around to a degree. It happens to others as well it’s something I talk about with my friends quite often. Obviously at the end of the day there’s nothing I can do but this thought process troubles me. There are people that get it but when dating your selection is narrowed quite a bit. Again I could subscribe to the thought that I’m just ugly as shit but I don’t think that’s all of it it probably contributes to 75% of my rejections but I still think there is something else. I’ve done well for myself I live alone I can support others but yet somehow I’m not that desirable to many women. I do tend to wear my heart on my sleeve but again getting that first date getting to that point where they won’t even look at you as a candidate is so difficult when you can’t see. My teenage years are full of these stories and then it’s followed me into the 20s and probably the 30s until I find a girl in rehab who need someone to help her finance her habits. Alright that was a bad joke I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night.
My parents always installed the belief to me that one day they will be gone so I need to be self-sufficient and take care of myself. I guess I’ve done pretty well at that. My sister lives an hour and a half away from me the only times I’ve seen her is when she comes with my parents. When I talk to my family we talked mainly about them or a little bit about work for me but no one really has any idea of how I live day today that’s one reason I thought about this blog. The last two years I haven’t been home for any major holiday I’ve hardly been home at all. I remember before I move to Louisville I was met with all this opposition like why are you going to leave Munssee your stupid you should just stay where you are. I wanted to leave and experience something different plus Muncie only really have Ball State so if you don’t work there it’s hard to find a job. When I moved I sold a show to MLB network intern with the tigers and I’m making about 15,000 more than I would’ve in Muncie. Creatively for me I needed to get somewhere new and start my adult life if that makes any sense like for me Muncey was my college life.
Going back to where I started a number coming home when you’re from college for summer break and I went to a football game at my old high school. I ran into an old friend and he asked me what I was doing so I told them I was a freshman at Ball State. He actually said the following to me really that’s amazing we thought you would just sit around and play video games the rest of your life. Again that perception that somehow were weaker or we possibly can’t make something from ourselves. I guess the thing for me is so many people that I hung around on a personal level from kindergarten expected so little from me that’s quite haunting for me. My friend Charles who moved it in the eighth grade got to know me and he never had any of these perceptions that’s what’s weird for me to understand how certain people can just get it and 99% of others can’t. Maybe because I wear my heart on my sleeve or whatever I just start to realize how fake a lot of people are or how shallow people can be. People still ask me to this day why I go to baseball games when I could just watch them on the radio excuse me listen. I’m amazed I even have to answer that question but it’s why people do anything for the experience there’s nothing like being somewhere live. Part of me wonders when people ask that is that more of a question as to why am I putting myself out in public? I was reading an article on Isaiah Austin on Thursday was a Baylor center going to the NBA draft who is blind in one eye when teams learned that he was blind in one eye is draft stock fell tremendously. He’s had a great college career and is playing through his blindness but somehow teams feel he’s less than someone with two eyes. Maybe that’s where my thought perception is these days and ultimately me being myself I can only control so much but there are a lot of people that devalue me because I have no site and that’s just the way it is.
In the past week I’ve thought a lot about do I want to continue riding in this blog and being so honest with my thoughts? It took me a while but I realized with this blog we’ve touched countries that have way worse perceptions than America about blind people. Places where blind people are denied adequate education and maybe one day one person that reads this will make a difference. Doing this mortgage has taught me a lot a lot of files are still incompatible and not working by now to me any PDF file should be readable for us but they aren’t. I’ve gotten some help signing documents as well as reading them at night since my iPhone and computer won’t. I had a brilliant idea on how to tie this altogether but I lost it so now this whole post just looks like me complaining.
I think overall right now I’m probably going through a stage of depression. This week I’ve been working my two jobs and sleeping and occasionally throwing in a little baseball. And life I think we can all make mistakes I make them on a daily basis. Where I work the two sides look identical so once in a while I’ll accidentally walked into the other side and go to sit at my desk and realized wait this isn’t my desk. Mel told me she made the same mistake once. I think as I get older that’s what I learned even though I’m blind you have to look past that and realize everyone makes mistakes. I wasn’t throwing you under the bus Mel I was actually saying here that you taught me a valuable lesson. If you toss away the things you see such as race disability what you have left is the fact that were human. We’re not really that different but because not even 1% of people are blind there’s just unawareness about it. That sometimes gets lost from my point of view since I’m blind. Being blind as a part of me it does contribute to who IM but it’s not all that IM. Some people may look at me and say why don’t you fight more for yourself or why don’t you protect yourself more but you know I get tired of doing that I get tired of fighting for rights that we should already have. Not being blind or not having a disability of any kind is easy for you because no one is telling you you can’t go somewhere because you have a service animal. You don’t get the notion to want to go somewhere but then in the back of your mind say what if I can’t get home what if I’m denied a ride? You look at my Lyft situation I reported to three different news companies and nothing is going to be done about it other than the fact I got a free ride. They aren’t going to train their drivers any better or train themselves on the law it’s just going to keep happening until more get involved. People actually told me after that happened that they didn’t realize it was a law that they have to take a service animal they cannot deny them arrive. I do think therapy dogs and things like that have to be reevaluated because people try and sneak them in the places when they are not service animals and that is blackening my situation. At the end of the day you’re not going to look through my eyes as much as I see how you get around because you don’t have to deal with it like I do. I read in the Washington Post how blind people when taking service animals and look at housing are denied or the apartment complex all the sudden doesn’t have room for them but that’s just a minor story I look at our unemployment rate again a minor story it’s just so baffling to me.
When I find someone that can look past or treat me like a normal person it’s difficult to lose that. I think everyone deserves a second chance we all make mistakes but there also has to be healing that goes along with that. I’ll just leave that thought there.
You came in to my life so suddenly
Like a bolt of lightning you had my heart in a flash
We were riding along enjoying every turn I never could have seen the crash
Now were lost in limbo you want me to forgive you while I’m conflicted not wanting to dash to quickly
It’s hard to figure out wrong from wright I’m learning there’s colors between black and white
You want to give us another try
I sit by myself and wonder why
If I say yes I’ll give it another try can you promise me no more lies
Do you remember our second date when we went and sat by the river
I could hear 2 things the current and your heart beat and I just felt so at peace
A month later and I’m pacing around with all these thoughts in my head waiting to except anything praying asking god that the child can just be healthy please
After your appointment I should have been relieved but I wasn’t
Now I just look at the pieces of the glass on the floor like if I put them back together can we have what we had before
I feel torn part of me wants to see if we can get back to those feelings we had that night by the river but then the other part of me doesn’t want to go through that pain anymore so I’m just unsure
You want to give us another try
I sit by myself and wonder why
If I say yes I’ll give it another try can you promise me you won’t wear a disguise?
Robin today is having a day where she doesn’t want to work. When we’ve walked today she seems disinterested, and not really wanting to turn or listen to my commands. Her communication to me has been distant as well so it’s been a bit of a difficult morning. With using a dog communication is key a great dog team you can feel so much between the harness. I never thought when I started I would get it, but now it’s second nature. When Robin is sure about something I can feel it in her pace, or if there is something she is looking at I can feel her head turn. When they have a bad day, you end up having a bad day.
Tonight is my home inspection, so I’m excited about that. I get to see what is wrong with the condo, so hopefully not much. I am now in the mortgaging phase, so I’m providing document after document of my life’s work. The thing I honestly hate is technology has come so far, but every time we get close to having full capability of seeing documents someone gets the great idea of designing some new way to view a document. For example I am trying to print off and email my last month’s pay stubs from my work. Okay they tell me you can view them online now, and I do the diligent thing by going green. Now when I pull the statements the pdf opens within the webpage, and isn’t readable by my screen reader. I feel like we make leaps forward, but then I still can’t access simple things. I would ask someone to assist me, but that bothers me on something simple like this. I’ll probably breakdown and ask a coworker, but I hate annoying them about dumb things. I try and save the trees, and this is what I get. Really I wish pdf files would just go away in general such an awful format.
I am hopping off my soapbox now. Buying a home has been an experience. As I mentioned in an earlier post I didn’t take any sighted people with me on my tours it was just me and my realtor Jeff. Obviously he wants to sell me a house, but he really helped weed out a lot of homes. I’m not saying I would trust anyone, but I wouldn’t change anything on how this deal worked out. I guess I should give props to Jenny at the end of the day, because she pointed out the condos to me, because of their location.
Besides the technology glitch I’m having so far things are coming together. I called Uverse to move my services to my new address in July, and they acted as if I wanted to cancel. They gave me a faster internet for the same money I’m paying now, but they’re charging me a $45 moving fee, since I didn’t want to take a higher television package. I could have done it called and cancelled the next month, but I hate these games telecommunication companies play. If the government really cared about my experience like the FCC and FTC seem to when they hold up monopolies basically why don’t they figure out a better end consumer experience? When AT&T buys Direct we will have Comcast and AT&T owning a majority of content. Comcast buying Time Warner will give them the entire Turner broadcasting along with NBC that they already have. I worry about things like that.
Last night while brushing Robin and after when we were playing I realized how I can’t wait to move in to the condo. She would run from me and jump on my bed, I’d take the football from her, and she’d jump off and run to the living room to catch it again. I can’t wait for her to be able to stretch out a bit, and with stairs to go up and down she won’t know what to do with herself. Now as it stands the routine am I come home until I feed her she puts herself in my viewpoint meaning where she is reachable for me. After that she will bring me her toy and I will toss it a few times, and then she will either go to my bedroom and be by herself, or lye on my couch. I used to not allow this, but since I got my chair I’ve conceded a bit. She’s also getting older, so my thought is why not? When I sneeze though she always comes and puts her head on my lap.
Going to the Cubs game was pretty fun. I was laying in my bed on Saturday, and something sparked in my head that I had to do this. I didn’t want to go to a bar or something, because I’d just feel more alone if that makes any sense. I wanted to do something that would build confidence, so I decided to go to Chicago with no plans of transportation or anything. I had to ask people for directions, and yes I was misguided a few times, but I eventually got to my destinations. It is an interesting trust you put in people in these situations. A few times someone said go this way or over there, and I had to verbally say can you tell me a direction?
I guess for me opening up its difficult to get that initial date. With Erica I’m not even sure I wanted to date, but it felt good being on the other side. I never really felt uncomfortable around her plus she provided me a friend as well that is the hardest thing I’ve lost at this point. I really miss just hanging out, and having someone to eat with. I’ve been debating all day whether or not to call her, but we have some trust issues to get around, but tonight knowing we can’t talk is a bit difficult. Let me explain two different scenarios that happened to me last week, and maybe it will shed light on a statement I’ll make. Last week when my mom was here I had her run me out to my haircutting place where I’ve been without her a lot. She doesn’t live in Louisville or even close so I don’t think she’d ever been there with me. Anyway I am talking with the lady cutting my hair, and was having an interesting discussion about hiking, fishing, and life. She was talking about getting stung by a jellyfish and having someone pea on her. We talked about female ejaculation as well. I’m quite the conversationalist. Haha She also went in to describing a tattoo on the top of her thigh of a seashell or something. I kind of lost track of what she was saying at that point, because I was picturing it. Anyway when she finished cutting my hair she said let me get your mom to help you to the front. I just stood up and said I’ll take your elbow. It was infuriating to me that someone I’ve gotten to kind of know over about 6 times still can’t seem to understand how I could navigate. She led me to the front, but I could tell she was uncomfortable by the way she was stepping guiding me. We blind people are so rarely encountered I think that for a large percentage it is difficult for someone to know what to do. Another situation happened at work where some smokers were standing around the trash can, and I needed to get rid of Robins poop. No one ever made reference to me being there they kept just moving around throwing me off. I said hi, but no one said anything. I felt like I was in an alien meets earth encounter movie. I’m back to the drawing board with dating, and I honestly just don’t know anymore. I don’t want to write it off, but I’ve grown tired of having to every time work past all the blind issues to just have things blow up in my face. I going out to a bar, or church or anything am way different from your normal sighted person doing so. You know what’s going to happen since I wrote down my thoughts someone will come in my life and I’ll give it another shot, but my thought process is I’m not going out looking for something.
Last night I was kind of feeling sad for myself and I just finished watching most of the Cubs game and I decided screw it let’s grab Robin’s food catch a greyhound to Chicago and watch the game today. Nothing brings me peace like baseball. I didn’t shower and I fit pretty much right in on greyhound, but right now I kind of feel bad about that. I feel a little bummy. It happens to the best of us I guess. I’ve planned nothing so transportation has been a bit interesting since getting here I took a long damn bus it up in a part of town I didn’t want to B in, but I asked people and got good directions back to where I needed to be. Truthfully I kind of wish I was back on my couch, but I needed to prove something to myself gain some confidence or just get out. I didn’t really ask anybody in Louisville I don’t really know why I guess I just want to be alone.
Robin and I are sitting in a Starbucks waiting for a little bit longer to head towards Wrigley Field. The Cubs are supposed to wear 1942 uniforms today that should be awesome to see I love nostalgia. On the way here I listen to Superman the radio show from the 40s I listen to the whole series in college but that has me living down memory lane so I will probably go with the 1940s hotdog in the 60s buffalo wing dog. I looked online so I didn’t have to have someone read all the decade dogs to me, but if I had more of an appetite I would definitely eat the mall. Anyway just thought I would update since I promised.
Sometimes I crack myself up the subject just made me laugh. I’m watching the Toronto Blue Jays St. Louis Cardinals game and my thought is I really want to go to Toronto to watch a game. Here are my reasons. One there is a hotel and centerfield! I repeat there is a hotel in centerfield. Could it get any easier for a blind person to find a hotel after a game? Seriously the thought of that is just incredible. This means I really could get drunk and have no excuse to finding home. Okay I’m just kidding a little maybe. Second I think they have bungee jumping at the ballpark or pretty close I have to do this. They showed a picture and announcer commented but I’m not exactly sure where it is I will do research.
I put in a offer on Wednesday and it was excepted Wednesday night so I will be moving to a house by July 12 hopefully. It is a condo but looks more like a townhouse to me with an upstairs with the bedrooms are downstairs. I’m excited for Robin because she’ll have a lot of room to patrol and also we can go outside and it has a privacy fence so she doesn’t have to be on a leash all the time. I had a little buyer’s remorse but overall I’m excited. I got a patio table and chairs so I can eat outside or sit outside with some friends. Yesterday was pretty busy with getting the home inspection set up moving my U-verse and other things. My next post will probably be a bit of an attack on how annoying I think the technology companies are. I’m pretty happy with the fact that I’m buying a house. Growing up I couldn’t come up with a better dream for myself with how things are going. After college and struggling for a job I wasn’t sure what the future will hold obviously there’s a gamble involved with buying a house but I feel it’s the right time. When I get near a computer I do want to write a better blog post about my observations of house finding being blind.
I debated on what I wanted to say or how I wanted to address the next topic. I told Erica yesterday that I wanted to take a break after some things had gone down. I really think it’s the best thing for both of us. I’ve reread her blog post a few times and while it’s painful I struggle searching for how things go from being beautiful to ugly so quickly? I really don’t have an answer, but it seems to be a repeated offense in my life. Since high school I’ve not had a great record of dating a lot of ups and downs mainly downs. I’m sure 99.9% of those things are my fault, but you try and change and make adjustments along the way to better yourself for the next shot of love. I find myself today and a bit of a funk but what I’m about to say is truly how I feel. I don’t know if it’s a blind thing or my imagination but I know that dating has been difficult for me. I know people mean well but sometimes I will write a blog post and they will message me and try to give me advice on how to feel better. To be honest nothing I’ve written about really gets to me and they seem depressing but I’m just trying to write life from my perspective. I’m not depressed and nor do I live life unhappily because I can’t see but on a daily basis I encounter people that just don’t understand or can’t figure out how to interact with me. I like to bring those things up because that’s the only way things maybe get better.
Where I’m heading with this all is I think dating and love is not meant for me. I definitely have a soft side that people can take advantage of and I Trustway to easily even when I put up some walls in the past few relationships. And my past relationships I would torture myself by going back to them multiple times and being burnt multiple times but this time I will not do so. I have grown in that aspect. It’s weird for me to keep failing so badly in this aspect of my life that I honestly feel like I’m tired of failing so how do you change this? I can change it by not dating anyone or allowing myself to have a relationship. Sometimes I get a little angry with how much money I’ve spent and wasted on relationships in my life because it is a lot. I really could see myself just loving one person or having that best friend in your life as a wife but that doesn’t seem to want to come to me. I have to be careful here because I don’t really want to bring up a one-sided affair so I will just stop there. All I can tell you is I’m pretty tired of being hurt and disappointed by love.
I’m a pretty positive person so I will in this on a positive note I don’t really have one right now. The Minnesota twins just signed Kenry morale us my initial thought why? Maybe bringing a veteran then we’ll do something for the club I really don’t know what their thought processes on that. Anyway I will update you a lot in the next week it’s been a little sporadic lately but stay tuned.