Last night Erica and I had a conversation. Monday I had left robin by herself all day, because she wasn’t feeling well. I didn’t ask her to stop by, because it would have been out of her way to do so. Anyway Monday night was pretty rough, because she hung up on me and I wasn’t really sure where we were going to go from there. She called me back and said she would come over Tuesday night to talk.
We went out to the little pond at my apartment, and sat for a while talking about each other’s day. I find the water sound so peaceful. Finally we got down to the meat of the conversation. She said that she understood why I am protecting myself, but if I want us to grow I have to let things go. I agreed with her I basically started off the conversation with I’m sorry I was wrong. In my mind I felt I was doing the right thing, and maybe it’s not about what was wrong or right, but I didn’t call her or include her with what was going on. She told me she wants to be a part of my life I love robin, and so does she, and she wants to protect that. She used an example that I really understood. She said what if I was sick and didn’t want you paying for a cab to my place so I just didn’t tell you that would make you mad right? Of course I would be, because I would want to get her soup or do whatever she needed to help her feel better.
I’m not perfect, and I know people like Jared tried to show me flaws in my ways of thinking, but this is the first time I get it. For me I’m just trying to rationalize I’ve had a hand full of bad relationships, and why would someone want to be with me and my short comings? I watched my dad growing up and he did all the driving and handy work. I’m good at doing things around the house, and have a pretty good skill set but I just feel lacking somehow.
Mel told me that if I want someone caring and loving they’re going to want to be nurturing towards me. I may have butchered a bit what she told me, but it was helpful. I’ve never seen my thoughts on being independent as harmful, but now I see they need a little improving. I still want to take things slow, but Erica and I reached a level of understanding that felt really nice yesterday. She also said that I do more for her than I realize, and I don’t have to worry. She gave me some examples which were really nice and thoughtful. Things like I text her in the morning, or randomly just to say hi with a little positive note. She told me she’s never had that before. I also hooked up her surround sound recently which she was struggling with. She also mentioned how I was able to just fit right in with her grandpa, and she liked that. I just thought her examples were easy for me to understand, and I felt more wrong and awful for creating a situation.
This whole experience has me feeling like I will always learn. Maybe were never really done learning! I’m independent and I take care of everything for myself, but because I can’t drive or build something for Erica I felt inadequate which really is ridiculous. I’m sure it comes from rejection and just a lot of negative feelings that have built up, because it isn’t easy. When you find someone who wants to love you you have to hold on I would have eventually just killed it thinking like how I was. When I moved to Louisville I met a guy named Jerry. He owns about 18 rental properties and is totally blind. He does construction work on everyone. He is building a new house right now, and if it wasn’t so far from where I live I would have been interested. I’ve helped drive fence posts, but I never thought I could build a room on my own. That is me limiting myself, because Jerry can do it. I asked him how he designs something, and he just told me it comes natural he’s always been good at that kind of architecture. I think were molded by are environment and ultimately what we know. If it’s important to me to learn how to build a house I’ll probably figure it out if it’s not I’ll just pay someone.
Tonight is our first date, so I have the butterflies. We’ve gone out as friends a lot, but there is this spark now, so it’s a bit different. I have a nice romantic first kiss planned after dinner as well, so here is to hoping.
By the way next week Pilot Neil is coming in to town for the Derby, so I’m excited to have some live stories involving him. Friday I have off, so were going to the track for Oaks day. He is always challenging me to try something different like that football story I told you about a while ago, or tandem bike riding. He usually will let me drive as well, so were always up to something. I asked him recently if he had found a new blind friend to replace me In Philadelphia. He responded with he’s moved on to searching for someone in a wheelchair he’s met enough blind people. We are planning on going to some baseball games this summer, because he has a plane and has to fly to maintain a license. His wife Adrian goes along, so we have a good time. She keeps us in line a lot of the time.