Being around Josh tonight reminded me a lot from when I was younger. While driving to the Easter play at Erica’s church she asked him what he wanted to do when he was older? He responded I would like to be an artist. Josh has some vision so being an artist isn’t out of the question, but the road for him to do so will be difficult. I would never want to kill his dream though so I encourage it every chance I get, because that’s one thing that annoyed me the most when I was younger. When I would tell my guidance counselor I wanted to do radio they would suggest things instead like why don’t you be a vocational rehabilitation counselor for the blind? I had my own dreams it definitely did not include doing anything for the blind. Now that I’m older and have worked with blind people in my last job it’s something I wish I would’ve done. However this decision needed to be reached by me not buy some older person at the time telling me what to do.
I know I mentioned this in the last post but seeing Josh I see a lot of fire inside of him. He has a lot of talent and I feel bad that he’s had to struggle so early on, but maybe this experience will make him stronger. Right now or tonight anyway we had Erica drive us to the Easter play which is not normal for me. I’m spoiling him, by not making him use transportation like I normally do. That will stop tomorrow because I want to give him a sense of what he will have to deal with without a car. I’m also going to try and keep a travel log just so you guys can understand the time it takes to do a few things. I’ve got to figure out exactly how to do this but it’s something I would like to share, because while it’s nice not to have a car payment if I could have a car and get to somewhere in five minutes versus an hour and a half damn right I would have a car. I should probably mention also not killing someone or running into a tree or whatever else I would encounter if I had a car and tried to drive it.
Josh is mom mentioned something to me that also hit home today. He has a lot of vision or some vision anyway so I’m surprised this affects him. At times I struggle with something called circadian rhythm. Basically in a nutshell what that is it’s your body clock of when you should and shouldn’t be awake. It is reset usually by sunlight or light in general. For example when you wake up in the morning and you look out and see the sun your body will start to awaken. Mine does not do this. Also while I’m home alone I never use lights were even if I did I can’t look at them and keep myself awake. My body clock sometimes can get so far off that it’s hard to correct leaving me drowsy in the afternoon. I used to think it was depression, but then I read up on the circadian rhythm and I’m 90% sure that’s what it is most of the time. I was asked to do a study in Cincinnati a few years ago but that would’ve required me to collect urine for two weeks with a diary and I just didnt want to try or put myself through that. I read up on some of the side effects for the pill and I’m not too thrilled with them. Yes while my body will be normal my liver will go to hell, but at least I’ll be awake. I want to destroy my liver with more natural causes like beer.
Damn I’m still laughing about that last sentence. Anyway the Easter play was really fun I haven’t been to church in a few months. I believe in God, but sometimes it’s hard for me to fully dive in. When I was born and going through my battle with cancer the preacher at my mom’s church could not find time to visit with them. The view was if a baby had cancer the devil must be possessing it. I’ve done my fair share of long in this world, but I don’t think the devil is possessing me. I think it’s very little that unfortunately my parents church wouldn’t have been more supportive at a time like that for them. It’s something that’s always stuck with me and has bothered me. My friend also donated some canes to a Christian mission to donate two people in Africa. When he called to check and see the demand for canes a guy said they had a great demand but he turned away someone because he wasn’t a Christian. The guy needs a cane in my opinion it shouldn’t matter what he believes, but again I’m no saint. I do like going to church and I like the moral aspect of it. I just don’t see myself being there every Sunday, but then again I’m working on changing myself so who knows. After my grandma died I used to go to church as much as I could with my grandpa. I really saw how it help him cope with the loss and be around a community of people and I thought that was cool. When I go though or have gone I feel like in a strange way people view me as a miracle. I don’t think I can really describe what I mean, but people touch me and pray for me and I just feel so exploited. I’ve had more people pray that I would get my site back that I’m sure God’s tired of hearing it by now. I also had a girlfriend of mine tell me once before we broke up that when I get to heaven I will finally be perfect because i will be able to see. She told me that she would pray for me every night which rub me kind of weird. Truthfully I feel that I’m blind for a reason I don’t know what that is, but does anyone really know why were here? I was able to survive cancer at 11 months old most babies don’t, so maybe that’s why I look past everything else and believe in God.
I know there were some mistakes in this but I dictated it on my iPhone pretty late tonight so hopefully it came out okay. Erica asked me if I would like to go to church with her in the future, I advised her that I would think it over. I did enjoy meeting everybody there tonight and I could probably use a little spiritual guidance but we’ll see. We held hands during the play and I gave Erica a little hand massage. As I was commenting in my last post I love little things like holding hands because it’s a form of nonverbal communication that I can use since eye contact is obviously out.