I pressure myself a lot on first dates. I try not to show it, but whenever I go out with anyone on a date I get a bit uncomfortable. Once I know someone for a while I settle in, but I struggle with trying to show I’m confident and capable I think I over compensate at times. Last night my friend Pat texted me, and asked if I would want to go out on a date with someone he knew from his church. I agreed, because honestly the last 3 weeks or so have been pretty deflating. I quit Clear Channel and didn’t get a job in baseball this year.
We met at a restaurant, and right away I had to shake off something that annoyed me. The waitress asked Nikki my date what would he like to drink? Why not just ask me? I spoke up and said he would like water. I phrased it just like that. I’m blind not deaf. It’s really hard for me anyway to go why anyone would want to be with someone who gets viewed like this. I’m sure I’m harder on myself than I should be, but I really am trying to be seen as desirable not worthless. After that little snag everything else went pretty well. We had a lot in common from music to sports. I’m pretty excited no matter where things decide to go.
Meeting someone’s parents can be pretty nerve racking for me as well. I remember when I met Lexi’s parents for the first time. Blind people don’t even make up 1% of the population, so it’s conceivable that you could go through your entire life and not meet anyone blind. When first meeting anyone I don’t care who it is there instantly is this response you get where it’s like you’re instantly Superman or pitied. A lot of people put themselves as blind and that’s not a real fair comparison, because you use sight for everything, so of course it would be scary. Anyway I remember meeting Lexi’s parents, and I was so nervous. It was the first time I really had met a girl’s parents, so I wasn’t sure what to do. I wanted to be extra manly for them to show I could protect their daughter, so the first time in my life I was pretty quiet. I over thought everything, and took myself out of my normal element. I’d like to tell you that life gets easier the more you do it, but talking with a friend the other night I’m not sure. He is married to a woman and they’re both blind. Her parents and he had arguments in the beginning where the parents tried to break them up since he is blind. They felt there daughter should be with someone who could protect and provide for her. Again I’m just stating what he told me, and his experience. Mine has been similar. It makes my head and heart hurt some times to be completely honest. My family still doesn’t get it, so it’s hard to fathom someone will. I try to remain upbeat, but the rejections are piling on me.
I remember driving to Evansville to see my niece being born. My grandpa in the car said if I found a sighted girl he’d buy her a car. A week later I nearly died from alcohol poisoning. When people put you in a spot where it’s like you need to find someone with sight or try to dictate what I need it really gets me down. I don’t look at the world in that way. I never would date anyone just because they had sight or just because they didn’t. I know a lot of women exclude me as a legit partner and that makes me sad, but in the end it’s there loss.
A lot of times too you’ll get women that want to be your mom rather than a girlfriend. I have one mom I don’t need another. I dated a girl once that would put on what she thought I would want to watch, and wouldn’t let me use the remote myself. When I wanted to watch something different she’d come in and change it. Needless to say I was out of that quickly. In a relationship I want to contribute my 50% not 5 or 10. Hell I might even contribute 80%. I used to think a relationship was 50 50, but the older I get I realize it never is quite equal. That has nothing to do with blindness, but people can’t be 50/50 all the time it is impractical.
This is kind of a sad post so something funny will be coming today