One of the biggest questions I’m asked is if possible would I want my sight back? The easy answer would be yes. I however am not easy, and think about way to many things. I will discuss why I would not want my sight back in the following paragraphs.
About four years ago I took a trip to Denver, and when I got home my friend Denny asked me if I had ever gotten sad because I can’t see the mountains or anything. My response was no. He told me he did from time to time, and four years later I finally understand. I travel a lot for my job, and have gotten to go to a lot of neat areas, and every time I get off a plane it feels like the city I left. Every place has the same feel now of days, radio plays the same music, TV shows the same shows, so there really isn’t much of a difference between Denver and Louisville. The one thing I remember most was I saw snow thunder while in Denver. That was new for me. I wish I could look and see the skylines or see hills.
I remember visiting Arizona for spring training I made my dad stop in the desert so I could feel the dirt and a cactus. Growing up on a farm in Indiana I just couldn’t picture how the desert could be so bare? It was remarkable to me that we could drive for miles and miles and nothing would be on either side of us. I thought farm life had I secluded from things like public transportation and such.
If I ever get married I know one thing that would bother me is not being able to see my bride in her wedding dress. I’ve been to several weddings and when the bride is walking down the aisle and everyone’s watching her is just an amazing feeling. I’ve gotten some ideas how to fix some of that depression though. I figure maybe I could ask her to show me the dress before she walks out so I can feel how beautiful it looks. It’s not quite the same but feeling the dress in front of everyone would be just a bit awkward. I know in my relationships I tend to gravitate to being more physical. I like holding hands or some kind of contact. I think it makes up for the nonverbal communication.
Those are some reasons I miss blindness and would like it back, but here is why I honestly don’t think I could. People’s perceptions of me would change. Now in my daily life I know people don’t communicate with me because they fear blindness or don’t know how to do it. I think if I gained my sight back the overwhelming changes of people would upset me. I used to think one day people would just understand me being blind like a switch going off, but the older I get I realize I’m wrong. I think this has been affecting my confidence lately and I’m not sure what to do.
One of my best friends got married a few years ago. I traveled around 8 hours to his wedding. I left my dog at home since I knew he was getting married. At the rehearsal dinner he assigned someone to assist me or watch over me as he put it. He then said if I bring my cane to the wedding he’d kill me. I never expected this so it hit me pretty hard. Here is a guy I spent all of high school hanging out with. Here’s a guy I stayed over at his house, played basketball with, and talked endlessly with treating me like I’m helpless or an alien.
My family does the same thing a lot of the time. I honestly don’t think my grandma knows how I live or as many times as I’ve gone on the road they just still don’t get it. Maybe since I live 6 hours away it’s sort of an out of sight out of mind thing, but I don’t feel they view me the same as my brother. When I was younger I remember my dad saying I should put my cane off to the side because we were going to take a picture. For me it’s hard to understand why a cane can do so much harm. Psychologically you just have to tell yourself that someone will get it, and take you for who you are the same you’re doing for her, but the older I get that fantasy dissipates.
Even if I was able to get my sight back I would have to relearn everything. I know how my house looks in my mind, but have no idea how having sight would make it look. I wouldn’t be able to just jump in a car and drive. I think people put this false reality about having sight that is annoying. I will challenge you on a theory this goes back to biblical history so get ready. What was one of Jesus’s greatest miracles? Giving sight back to a blind man. This notion that to be normal is to have sight goes back to the bible. I still believe in god, but I just find it interesting, and hard to deal with. Hollywood also in every movie pretty much about a blind man besides Ray they hook him up with a pretty woman who helps him regain his sight. Why can’t she just love him for him? These are the things I ponder when I can’t sleep.
I don’t really know if I answered this question, but I put my thoughts out there. I would rather face the depression of no one ever really getting it than face complete acceptance. The reason is simple for me because I’m truly an individual. Blind people have that ability to be something different. I don’t have to get a tattoo to prove I’m hardcore or tough, because I can navigate this world every day without sight. That is true power and toughness, so if anyone struggles think of that. I think the way I’d be treated differently from having sight to not having sight would be more depressing to me overall than just being blind. I also think light perception would mess with me. Now in my world I have no sensory overload when it comes to vision, but I feel just the continuing pressure of light would be hard to deal with. I think people get lost in the Hollywood version of regaining sight but when in reality it’s not perfect. Often times if they can restore sight these days its temporary, or a constant decline from what you had. People will use there sight until they can’t that just is a way of nature, but the stigma that being blind is the worst thing that can happen to you has to end. We do live in a sighted world, but I think blind people can still be a part of it. You should also never doubt your capabilities, because you never know what you can do until your put in a position.